I am a care giver. A secret romantic. A person that people call cold but they do not really know me. My heart is big and my thoughts are a mix of complicated and child-like. I hold the past close to me. I need to know when to let go of certain memories. I need to speak to you tonight but I cannot. I am lonely, I am sad. I have grown used to not having someone be there for me in the way that I need it. It is not your fault. It is simply the way it is.
I have been carrying around a lot of hurt and happiness with me lately. It is filling me up, slowly but surely. It is catching up with me for good and for bad. As I was walking home after work tonight, the sidewalk full of rush hour people in their own respective worlds, I noticed a pigeon. He (or she) was lying on his side, quietly gasping for air, his feathered chest heaving. His little beady eye seemingly looking at me. I stood there as tears welled in my eyes (Lord knows, I love a good cry in public). Words rushed through my head - loneliness, death, helplessness, solitude, and poor honey. I wanted to kneel down and pick him up, stroke his little feathery head and whisper kind words until his breath stopped. But I just stood there, I just walked by. It's a pigeon, a rat with wings - so they say, death - it's a part of nature. I see this dying bird in my mind as I sit here and write, I am finally crying the cry that I have needed to cry for weeks now. As I walked away from that bird, feeling helpless and sad, I couldn't help but think - I don't want this to happen to me. I don't want to feel alone and helpless in a big city, where no one stops to help and no one wonders if you're okay. I don't always want to be the care giver. I want a little tenderness too. As well, I couldn't help but declare to myself - this is who I am.
I thought of you. I always think of you. I wondered what you would think of me, feeling heavy and heartbroken over a dying bird on a sidewalk ... walking home with tears in my eyes. Knowing this matters, I thought. What would you think of me? What would you do? Would you laugh at me and throw logic my way? Or would you simply smile and give me a hug for being stupidly sensitive? Tell me, my love, what would you do?
I know what the others would say, would have said. Logic. Mean spirited laughter, directed at yours truly. The man who bitterly teased me for saying the word "lovely" - a word that reminded me of one of my only pure loves who was always lovely to me. The one who brushed everything off and titled me never good enough. He who attempted to ruin a perfect childhood memory with his fucking logic ... always his fucking logic. I tried not to let him take this memory away from me and he will never know how bloody awful that felt. Maybe one day I will share this memory with you, love. I need to keep it safe and pure with me, just a little while longer. Give, give, give - I am always giving. And you know, it's always never enough.
This is why I keep my romantic side hidden. No one will mar it with logic, no one will scoff at it, no one will ruin it. It is mine and it is lonely. I take comfort in knowing that you know this part of me exists. This is why I keep my daily thoughts to myself, what makes me smile and laugh and feel alive. Believe me, I want to share it out loud because this is who I am ... After a while of keeping all of this inside, I wonder if I am stupid ... wasting my time, wasting my days away with silly things, childish thoughts. I don't know, my love. What I do know is that it plays a part in my struggle with loneliness. I long to hear someone say to me, "what made you smile today?". And if confessed, "I saw a cloud that looked like a dinosaur" or "I saw some tea cups that reminded me of my grandmother who is no longer alive", I hope that someone would not laugh but smile back at me kindly and listen with a genuinely curious ear. I hope that someone would see the value in gratitude and what makes me who I am.
It is late and I miss you, terribly. I wish you could brush my tears away with your fingertips and kiss me softly on the forehead. I don't ask for too much.
a girl who always believes in you.