31 January 2010

neglect

you'd think feeling hollow would leave you be, eventually.
you'd think three minutes wouldn't hurt you.
you'd think someone would notice something:
the dullness, the polite smile, the solitude.
something. anything.
the simple things that i long for are neglected.

but do not worry:
this isn't a letter to you.

30 January 2010

Winter Wishful Thinking


It's cold and quiet in my city. I imagine yours is too. I don't have much to say at all - I prefer it that way these days. I wish we could do something simple and easy. Escape in a bad movie that makes us laugh for all the wrong reasons as we sit beside one another. Nothing less, nothing more - other than you, me, a bad movie, and a shared blanket. Peaceful, calm, innocent. That's all.

27 January 2010

A Letter to Three

Botanical Steps by Delicious Satisfaction, 2007


"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." ~Marcel Proust


The paths that I have taken, both willingly and unwillingly, have caused me to cross paths with many wonderful people. People I have spoken with for only a few passing moments yet I will always remember, people who I have met in the most peculiar of ways that grew to become family, women I am proud to call a sister, and men that I proud to call a friend. My heart beams when they shine. My heart aches when they hurt. My arms are always open and they know this, whether or not they choose to seek warmth or quiet understanding or distraction in laughter.

Tonight, I wish for many things - above all; peace and understanding, love and relief, happiness and healing - to the one I call my beautiful kitten, to the one I'll always fall for in so many ways, and to the fiercest and most amazing female I know. You are all loved.

25 January 2010

layers

Call Me by Delicious Satisfaction, May 2008

maybe
stupidly
i don't know
but i miss you
terribly

(i remember one time
i told you i missed you
and you replied,
"i've been busy")

maybe
angrily
i dislike you
but you know
i love you
in my fucked up way

(i think i have
said too much
maybe)

that's not your real smile
she said
try again
i did with an honest laugh
at least someone noticed
i thought

(this act of mine
is wearing thin
and destroying lives
but you said
you loved my complication -
take it or leave it)

23 January 2010

Leonard Cohen and you

Photograph by Delicious Satisfaction. January 2010.

All you had to do, on one of those snowy January nights so many years ago, was invite me up to your apartment. Of course, we would both know better but we'd let ourselves believe it was just for a hot cup of tea or some quiet conversation at the end of a long work day. Something respectful and innocent. And all you had to do, once I was perched before you in your barely lit room, was turn on some Leonard Cohen and turn your eyes on me - my two greatest weaknesses, Leonard Cohen and you. I've never been naked to the Songs of Love and Hate - isn't it a shame, I'd think to myself as your arm slips around my waist and your lips taste my neck, my body has never been penetrated while Cohen softly sings in the background.

You could have had me then, lover.


(you could still have me, if you want me. leonard cohen and i wait patiently.)

20 January 2010

My Dearest Friend,

I could sense his hesitation when he accidentally brushed his fingers against mine. He considered quickly pulling away his hand, I could tell, but I felt his eyes watching me and I knew he carried the burden of loneliness with him just like myself. I kept my hand still and casually avoided his tired eyes, feeling nothing for his touch but a moment of innocence between friends. As his thumb carefully lingered against my fingers, I wondered if you would feel a tug of jealousy in your heart in knowing that another man's hand secretly wishes to touch my skin - a man that is not you.

Ah, love. You know what I secretly crave. It is not the passing touch of a lonesome friend. It is not the promise of a charming stranger for something raw and dirty. Regardless of the silence that I have grown to accept, I crave your long fingers and calloused palms to ache for me from time to time. I yearn for your curious lips; whispering my name against the back of my neck-my collarbone-my hipbone in between kisses. I hunger for your kind eyes to meet mine under tangled sheets and in crowded streets. Above all, I wish for your happiness - no matter how near or far you are from me, no matter if I am what you need or not.

In my eyes, you are beautiful.
In my skin, your touch lingers.
In my heart, you are loved.

Yours,
me

18 January 2010

Proposal/Decision


A Minor Incident by Badly Drawn Boy

In the middle of a fever and in my body that aches for all the wrong reasons, I've come to somewhat of a conclusion that I knew all along.

16 January 2010

Dear R_____ ,

To the man who was once a boy, I can confess to you now that you were the first one I had a crush on so many years ago.

I always remembered you as being "the crush" that never crushed me in the end. I never knew if you knew as we were only kids. After you, the other moments shined so painfully in our small town. The others laughed and said mean things that foolishly haunt me still when I am feeling insecure; the one that said I would look better if I wore a paper bag over my head, the one that said I needed a new face, the one that said I was ugly in a tone so cold. But you, you were always kind to me. You would always laugh alongside me. I am certain that you knew that I liked you as much as an awkward kid with a crush could and you knew better not to say something crushing to my teenage heart. I have always remembered that about you. I have always appreciated how respectful you were to me back then.

Late last night, you wrote me an email on Facebook. You knew me back then, you laughed in regards to an album of old photographs, you have an advantage over the others.

"Grade seven ... you were tall, awkward, but all the time beautiful ..."

What an unexpected surprise, with perfect timing. Your words are like a reassuring embrace to the awkward girl that still lurks inside of me from time to time, to the insecure girl who longs to hear that she is beautiful. Thank you, R___ , you've made my day a little bit sweeter.

Sincerely,
The girl who was never crushed by you

15 January 2010

Gallery Piece

(christmas candy dance floor lonely wet mouth eyes connect
photo by delicious satisfaction, lyrics/music by OF MONTREAL )

Gallery Piece by Of Montreal (click on title for video)

I want to be your love
I want to make you cry
And sweep you off your feet
I want to hurt your pride
I want to slap your face
I want to paint your nails
I want to make you scream
I want to braid your hair
I want to kiss your friendsAlign CenterI want to make you laugh
I want to dress the same
I want to defend you
I want to squeeze your thighs
I want to kiss your eyelids
And corrupt your dreams
I want to crash your car
I want to scratch your cheeks
I want to make you sick
I want to sell you out
Want to expose your flaws
I want to steal your things
I want to show you off
I want to tell you lies
I want to write you books
I want to turn you on
I want to make you come
200 times a day
I want to dry your tears
Every time you're sad
I want to be your what's happening
I want to be your only friend

I only go all the way
This time I'm not pretending
I can't take the trash
Your trashy friends are spreading about us
They got like V.D. personalities
Oh girl, that's so messed up
You see that sculpture on the hill?
That's where she queered me out forever
They're monitoring my subconscious massacres, I know
Bringing it closer to the surface so it's easily pervertable

I want to be a beast
I want to make you proud
And play with your head
I want to take you out
Make you feel adored
And buy you everything
I want to hurt you bad
Make you paranoid
And say the sweetest things
I want to help you grow
And for eternity
I want to be your what's happening
What's happening

I see car bombs in your eyes
(clap your hands, clap clap)
(can you sing it?)
I hear angels apologize

12 January 2010

headphone silence

Crosshatched doodle by Delicious Satisfaction, 2006


"strange and beautiful are the stars tonight
that dance around your head"

11 January 2010

10 January 2010

Disarm


i can still feel the quickness of your lips
brushing against my collarbone,
your fingertip tracing circles
on my summer shoulder.
i can still understand so very much
by simply looking into your eyes,
as i eat up your words so hungrily.
you make me feel so very much;
darkness and light,
simplicity and complication.
the foolishly beautiful brokenhearted few
and i am that one who waits for you.

09 January 2010

Ramblin' On

i am truly not this serious nor dramatic but i am sensitive and passionate and bittersweet. simple and small gestures make me happy: something said in passing remembered, interesting questions asked, random acts of kindness, handwritten letters, seeming interested in what i say or think or find amusing (even if you are not particularly interested or amused). listen carefully, laugh beside me, ask me questions, let me cry or be quiet or laugh or sing poorly when i think no one is near ... and i am yours.

i go from silence to noise, noise to silence. the constant adjustment is tiring, aching, lonely. no. that was not directed at you, my friend.

my favorite color is green. my favorite book is the stone angel, as well as the little prince. my favorite flowers are lilacs. i miss my grandmother and every time i make homemade bread, i fondly smile and think of her. my favorite film is cinema paradiso. i secretly read tarot cards in my bedroom. hair metal makes me grin from ear to ear. i cry when i hear songs that make me feel and i laugh when sports cars accidentally run over cardboard boxes. i see beauty wherever i go, even when things are ugly. i always want to learn more about the people i love (or wish to love). i anticipate learning more of your story. one day i will cast my shyness aside to sing karaoke and it will be a duet of islands in the stream. oh! just you wait and see!

and these are some things, amongst many, to remember when everybody else seems to forget.

Magnetic Poetry

08 January 2010

Entry

photo of a journal confession, written 26 january 2004.

I used to silently beg to my hidden journals
for my desires to end,
to cast you out of my troubled mind.
I was always too scared
to simply mention your name
on those secret pages
only read by my lonely eyes.
I told myself that I was not fond of you.
I tried so very hard to forget you
but I am only drawn closer,
after all these years.

07 January 2010

A Better Dream

Photograph by Delicious Satisfaction
The courtyard of Lafitte's Blacksmith Bar, New Orleans, 1998.


a better dream. one where you met me in the middle of a summer evening. you were tall. i challenged you with that certain look. you came to me. you didn't hold back like we usually do. you wrapped your long arms around my waist to pick me up. i wrapped my legs around you, skirt hiked past my white thighs. tightly, my legs around you. closely, my body pressing into yours. my back arched, lips parted, breath on flesh, your hands on my ass. roughly, you placed me on the ledge of a white fence. your cock was hard against my wet panties. and then you kissed me. our first kiss. breathtaking and beautiful and hungry, you kissed me. your lips were soft against mine. my mouth seemed wider than yours. we melted against each other as your teeth brushed against my lips, as your tongue tangled with mine, as our breath become one, and heavier, moans slipping past my lips into your mouth. our secret. the perfect and hungry first kiss which cannot be told in words other than weak-kneed and sexy and vulnerable and wet, other than finally and at last and we've been waiting for years. we kissed with half-shut eyes. we breathed heavily into each others mouth, as you slipped your cock into me -finally, at last, we've been waiting for years - my lips parted in a gasp against your lips as you fucked me as you fucked me as you fucked me as you fucked me as you fucked me until i woke up.

Performance

you can breathe that sigh of relief
now that i've gone away
and thousands of miles are between us,
once again.

but don't worry, love -
in a few hours from now,
you'll feel that familiar taste of regret
on your tongue as you lick your hungry lips
and i'll declare silently
that i'll do my best to forget you,
knowing all too well that i never will,
then i'll curse the ache of loneliness
in my love for you
and you'll admit that you like me there,
under your skin and in your messy brown hair.

but don't worry, my love -
those hours will turn into days
and those days will turn into months.
the seasons will gracefully pass us
and before you know it,
it will be that time again
when our breath hangs in anticipation
and in the winter air
as we stand face to face,
no longer brave to follow through with one another.
our words, simple wishes,
politely kept to ourselves.
our dark secrets never acted upon
as we eye each other sadly,
always knowing, always falling,
into the same old curious bodies,
into the same old song and dance
we've been performing for far too long.

but don't worry, love -
one day, we'll grow tired
and tenderness will replace desperation
as we cling to one another
and, until then, you will not be forgotten.
don't worry, love -
you will not be forgotten.


30 December 2009

Another Sad Dream

Last night, I had a dream that you called me on the telephone.
Coldly, you said,
"Meet me at my studio on the corner of Banning Street & Mountain.
I know you want to fuck me, so,
let's get it over with already."

Sadly, I hung up the receiver,
knowing I would follow your orders.
I would meet you there on the wrong side of the tracks
and I would give myself to you,
you who does not truly want me.

As I walked down the summer street,
heels clicking against the uneven pavement,
I foolishly smiled.
"I am weak,"
I said to myself,
"and what I truly need right now is the good friend in you -
not a good fuck - you only see me as that."

With shaky hands and tears in my worried brown eyes,
I opened the door to your studio,
on the corner of Banning Street & Mountain ...


30 December 2009