31 July 2010

Return



Return to Nothing Special - Sivert Hoyem

sailaway

my little yellow pill
ease my body deep
into wrinkled cotton sheets
soothe the ache
of fucked up nerves
of fucked up heart
sleep will be
dreamless
vacant
black
in that brief moment between
my feet rubbing against
soft red blanket
and
when eyes finally shut
i will forget everything
good
bad
ugly
my favorite moment

30 July 2010

Question



Foolin' by Devendra Banhart.
I can't decide if I am aroused or repulsed.

29 July 2010

water

i hate it when you disappear.
it makes me very sad.
i do not need your reassurance.
i simply like having you around.
i miss you tonight.
more tears for you.

26 July 2010

smalltalk

sometimes when people ask me
"how are you doing today?",
i wish i could say, rather truthfully,
"well, i would feel better if i had a good, long session of oral sex,
accompanied with an explosive orgasm but, otherwise, i'm doing alright.
and how are you today?"

::or::

"well, i'm so horny that it is making me angry.
i feel like being the office slut today,
and i'd like nothing more than to be fucked hard
in the supply room or bathroom to improve my productivity.
and how are you today?"

25 July 2010

hire me!

It's a strange feeling to be caught between darkly depressed and deliciously horny. One would think it would somehow balance a person.

With that being said, all I can think of is giving you the most wonderful blow job and tasting your come in my mouth. This is why you need to re-consider hiring me as your personal secretary. You're too stressed out at work and I have a weakness for office supplies and you.


24 July 2010

so nice



Your Flesh Is So Nice by Jeff Buckley

"I want to tell you a story about a little cutey. She's ass-slappin' pretty and voluptuous fingers. Wanna let her lick me, stick the thick of my pussy. From across the street, she looks good enough to eat me. Kitty! Your flesh is nice, your flesh is nice - let me take a bite. Your flesh is so nice....You're the only one I follow. Let me give you that 'O'."

a handy hint

next time you masturbate,
say my name until you come.

i just said yours.
mmm, _____ ,
you make me so hot.


The rain and the darkness and counting times

I walked in the misty rain at midnight.
The water on my skin like sweat from tangled lovers.
I'm tangled up in you, I thought,
as counted the times on my fingers :
Three years since your finger
purposely brushed against my arm.
One year since your lips found
the place behind neck and we fell back on grass.
One month since we were tangled up with each other.


(I ache for you. I am lonely for you. My heart is so heavy and I need to hear your voice because you are not here to use those fingertips to brush away my tears and make me smile. All those stupid nights so many years ago, I cried into the phone and you always listened so patiently. I always felt so safe and calm with you. I spend too many nights alone, my love. I spend too many nights like this. This life is so incredibly tiring, so incredibly dark. I need a little light sometimes. You've always been something so pure and genuine to me, regardless of our lust. Oh, love, what I wouldn't do to sit in beautiful silence with you.)




When I was fifteen, I went through a very frighteningly dark time. The most dark, the most depressed. It scares me to think back on that, how close I was to doing something incredibly foolish and ... well ... permanent. That summer, I found a scratched Alice Cooper record. It skipped but I played it non-stop. But, it was like a friend to me ... it kept me company, it got me smiling, it helped me through. I listen to this song and it's comforting, familiar. Dark and creepy and puts a smile on my face. (Okay, and re-runs of Welcome Back, Kotter helped too ... but that doesn't do much for my mysterious, dark side - ha ha!)

22 July 2010

Encore



I have posted this before. And, quite frankly, I don't care if I am repetitive. I heard this song again tonight, in the middle of a silly movie. I always forget how sad and beautiful this song is.

Yes, I did cry. Thanks for asking.

21 July 2010

a letter to you

My love,

I am a care giver. A secret romantic. A person that people call cold but they do not really know me. My heart is big and my thoughts are a mix of complicated and child-like. I hold the past close to me. I need to know when to let go of certain memories. I need to speak to you tonight but I cannot. I am lonely, I am sad. I have grown used to not having someone be there for me in the way that I need it. It is not your fault. It is simply the way it is.

I have been carrying around a lot of hurt and happiness with me lately. It is filling me up, slowly but surely. It is catching up with me for good and for bad. As I was walking home after work tonight, the sidewalk full of rush hour people in their own respective worlds, I noticed a pigeon. He (or she) was lying on his side, quietly gasping for air, his feathered chest heaving. His little beady eye seemingly looking at me. I stood there as tears welled in my eyes (Lord knows, I love a good cry in public). Words rushed through my head - loneliness, death, helplessness, solitude, and poor honey. I wanted to kneel down and pick him up, stroke his little feathery head and whisper kind words until his breath stopped. But I just stood there, I just walked by. It's a pigeon, a rat with wings - so they say, death - it's a part of nature. I see this dying bird in my mind as I sit here and write, I am finally crying the cry that I have needed to cry for weeks now. As I walked away from that bird, feeling helpless and sad, I couldn't help but think - I don't want this to happen to me. I don't want to feel alone and helpless in a big city, where no one stops to help and no one wonders if you're okay. I don't always want to be the care giver. I want a little tenderness too. As well, I couldn't help but declare to myself - this is who I am.

I thought of you. I always think of you. I wondered what you would think of me, feeling heavy and heartbroken over a dying bird on a sidewalk ... walking home with tears in my eyes. Knowing this matters, I thought. What would you think of me? What would you do? Would you laugh at me and throw logic my way? Or would you simply smile and give me a hug for being stupidly sensitive? Tell me, my love, what would you do?

I know what the others would say, would have said. Logic. Mean spirited laughter, directed at yours truly. The man who bitterly teased me for saying the word "lovely" - a word that reminded me of one of my only pure loves who was always lovely to me. The one who brushed everything off and titled me never good enough. He who attempted to ruin a perfect childhood memory with his fucking logic ... always his fucking logic. I tried not to let him take this memory away from me and he will never know how bloody awful that felt. Maybe one day I will share this memory with you, love. I need to keep it safe and pure with me, just a little while longer. Give, give, give - I am always giving. And you know, it's always never enough.

This is why I keep my romantic side hidden. No one will mar it with logic, no one will scoff at it, no one will ruin it. It is mine and it is lonely. I take comfort in knowing that you know this part of me exists. This is why I keep my daily thoughts to myself, what makes me smile and laugh and feel alive. Believe me, I want to share it out loud because this is who I am ... After a while of keeping all of this inside, I wonder if I am stupid ... wasting my time, wasting my days away with silly things, childish thoughts. I don't know, my love. What I do know is that it plays a part in my struggle with loneliness. I long to hear someone say to me, "what made you smile today?". And if confessed, "I saw a cloud that looked like a dinosaur" or "I saw some tea cups that reminded me of my grandmother who is no longer alive", I hope that someone would not laugh but smile back at me kindly and listen with a genuinely curious ear. I hope that someone would see the value in gratitude and what makes me who I am.

It is late and I miss you, terribly. I wish you could brush my tears away with your fingertips and kiss me softly on the forehead. I don't ask for too much.


Yours,
a girl who always believes in you.

insert title here

i am so fucked up.

20 July 2010

Quote of the Day

"Don't be someone that searches, finds, and then runs away."

19 July 2010

playlist



Precious Time by Soulsavers


18 July 2010

sunday night blues



Quite Emotional by MADRUGADA

"We're slowly moving by the break of day.
You are now entirely mine again.
Still, I hold you in my arms.
There's not much to talk about anyway."


Tonight is difficult and I feel hollow.
I knew that I would come crashing, sooner or later.
There are nights when I enjoy you as my delicious little secret.
But we're more than that and we both know it.
Tonight, it's hard to pretend that I am not in love with you.
I am in love with you
and I miss you more than you can imagine.

Sometimes I feel like time is precious
and it's slipping by us, not so gracefully anymore.
All I can do is shake my head,
smile that defeated little smile of mine,
and play music loud enough so no one can hear me sniffling away,
crying alone in honor of someone beautiful that I cannot have.
I long to softly cry into your shoulder instead,
listen to you breathe.
But, love, you do not have to say a word.
I know how you feel about me and I am grateful.
Regardless of tonight's tears and loneliness,
I think of you and I am made happy.

It's simply the rest of my life that I question.

Dream, Dream, Dream



Dream About Me - MOBY

Babe, oh, dream about me.
Lie on the phone to me.
Tell me no truth if it is bad
There's enough in my life to make me so sad.
Just dream about color fills our lives.
Just dream about someone else tonight.

Babe, oh, dream about me.
On the phone, talking quietly.
I wanna be yours.
I want you to be mine.
Against red skies for long time.
So dream about us when we're old
Just dream about how I will let go.

And...
And...

Babe, oh, dream about me.
Lie on the phone to me.
Oh, tell me no truth if it is bad.
There's enough in my life to make me so sad.
Just dream about color fills our lives.
Just dream about someone else tonight.
Just dream about color fills our song.
Just dream about how I will let go.

17 July 2010

Treasure


"I was once lost and searching for my soul just like she. I met my husband but he died and now I am lost and searching for my soul again. We only got to spend fifteen years together. Isn't that a shame? I found Treasure in the streets fifteen years ago and she decided to live in my husband's store. She sleeps only in the window. I keep this place open for her. When she passes away, I'll close the store. Right now, all she needs is to be loved. Just like a woman. All we really need is to feel loved. It's very simple. Even a man needs to feel loved sometimes. I have many philosophies these days."

~ Local antique shopkeeper

14 July 2010

catchfire

i catch myself
catch fire
with thoughts of you
and that night.
my sweet distraction,
i truly should be
paying some attention
but an easy smile
spreads across my face
just as you
spread my legs slowly
and looked into my eyes.
you knelt before me;
to worship me,
to search me,
to taste me.
and tell me, my love,
did you discover
something good
that night
when my fingers
tangled in your brown hair
and your eyelids softly closed
between my pale thighs,
when your curious tongue
moved against
my secret wet flesh
as my back arched
and lips parted,
body quivered and moaned
in your honor.
at last, my love,
at last.

crawl on top of me,
my love,
let's do it all
again.
the taste of me
is still on your lips
when you kiss me
and
i am still hungry for you.

midnight and me

I dream of your kisses and the taste of you upon my lips.
My body knows you now and I ache for you.

11 July 2010

10 July 2010

The Second You Sleep



The Second You Sleep by Saybia.

I've always liked this song. It's a little outdated sounding ... a little silly love song ... but I can't help but like it. Sigh.

Dream

I was in a room, brightly lit with sunshine. Dust particles floated in the light and the sun felt warm on my skin. I couldn't see the person in the room with me but I could feel his body move towards me, very fluidly, until he was against my body and I was pressed into the corner of the room. The desire felt natural and we both were hungry for each other. He wrapped his arms around me as he pressed me against the wall, my body arching towards his. I closed my eyes as he kissed me slowly, deeply. His lips felt familiar and arousing, the feel of his tongue playing with mine, the taste of his saliva. His kiss was almost gold. All the tension lifted from my body as I grew weaker towards him. I brought my hand to his face, his bearded cheek. Softly, my hand slid from his cheek to the back of his neck. My fingers tangled in his hair. The texture of his hair between my fingers felt familiar, too. It was you that I couldn't see. It was you who was passionately kissing me. You, you, you. Beautiful you. A moan slipped past my lips and echoed in the room. How did we get here, you asked me in a daze with your lips still against mine. Mmmm, I don't know, I purred, but I'm not complaining ...


06 July 2010

Majesty



Majesty by Madrugada

"But in my mind,
I could still climb inside your bed
and I could be victorious.
Still the only man to pass through
the glorious arch of your head."


05 July 2010

Humid

Tonight.
I am so wet
at the thought of you
and your eyes
looking into mine
as you fuck me,
as you come inside of me.

04 July 2010

Time

Mmmm.
What a wonderful sigh of relief!