31 August 2010

food for thought

"If it's still in your mind, it is worth the risk."

~ Paulo Coelho


Photograph by DeliciousSatisfaction 2009

29 August 2010

something to believe



"...that bad old sun forever shining on, the world keeps turning though my hope is gone. I close my eyes and when the day is done, I hang my head and dream about no one..."


(Note to self: Always trust your gut. Even if it breaks your heart.)

The Majorly Personal Meme, part II

And here is part two, thanks to Sunday Stealing.

21. If you were to live your life without your best friend, what would change?

There is one friend who lives far away that I consider the person that knows everything about me. If we were to lose contact, my heart would break and so would hers. We would no longer have that fierce connection, amazing support, and that non-judgmental shoulder to cry on.

22. Tell us about a era of your life that you really miss.
There was one autumn that lasted until winter where everything seemed so alive, so important, and so beautiful. I sat in crunchy autumn leaves and wrote love letters. I was mesmerized by the stars above me. I fell in love with the smiles of strangers and the cold winter air in my lungs. It was a lovely time so very long ago.

23. Have you ever been betrayed by someone that came as a complete surprise? Without revealing the person, if yes, tell us about it.
A newer friend at the time. Out of nowhere, he yelled at me that I was "nothing but damaged goods". I asked him to let me out of the car. He sped through red lights in the middle of downtown traffic while I screamed at him to let me out, stop the car. It was frightening. Two years later, he began to send me anonymous letters. That's the short version of the story.

24. Do you ever think that is a good idea to hide your feelings?
It is never a good idea. It is simply not healthy.

25. Tell us about your favorite year when you were a student.
I liked certain moments in high school when I'd skip classes to smoke cigarettes and listen to oldies radio while driving around with D.

25. When was the last time you were in a very good mood? What caused it?
A "very" good mood? I suppose it depends on how you define "very good mood". My definition - a few months ago when I arranged a party for my old friends. It was sheer happiness to see these old faces again. The end of that night was dripping with sweetness but that's another story.

26. Have you ever had a romantic relationship with a sibling of a good friend?
Oh, no.

27. Tell us about the last thing that you did that you truly regret.
Things happen for a reason. I cannot let that hold me back in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes, I regret not going to school out west but that was choice I made and I don't lose sleep over it.

28. When did you laughed today?
I haven't laughed today.

29. Do you trust easily?
Yes, I do. But that's not to say I am not suspicious.

30. What do you care about that you wish more people would?
General kindness and curiosity regarding the people in their lives.

31. Is it easier for you to go without food or go without sleep?
Well, going without food or sleep both equally turn me into a cranky bitch. I guess I can go without sleep longer.

32. What non-alcohol beverage do you enjoy drinking the most?
Coffee.

33. When you walk into a room full of strangers, generally how is your confidence?
Depends on who the strangers are.

34. Does talking about sex with anyone but your lover make you uncomfortable?
It depends on the person. "Anyone" is a fairly broad statement. If you mean, my mother - yes, uncomfortable. If you mean, leery weirdo in a van - yes, very uncomfortable.

35. Do you tend to believe members of the opposite sex mostly behave the same way?
I think there are some traits that definitely remain with the opposite sex. I do not wish to paint every man with the same paintbrush, but there are some behaviors that remain the same. Not all, just some.

36. Did you drink any alcohol this week? If yes, what?
Not a drop.

37. Would you ever consider being a vegetarian?
I was a vegetarian for a very long time and I would like to return to that one day.

38. Do you believe that there’s always room in your heart for someone?
I have always believed in this.

39. Do you believe in the concept of soul mates?
I believe in connection and that we learn something new from everyone that enters our lives.

The Majorly Personal Meme, part I

I'm taking a break, thanks to Sunday Stealing. I'm going to try & dirty this up for my own amusement.

1. Are you happier now than you were five months ago?
In regards to employment, yes. In other aspects, it remains the same which I am not quite sure if you can label it as "happy".

2. Have you ever slept in the same bed with anyone that you shouldn't have?
I have no regrets.

3. Can you sleep in total darkness?
I can also sleep with the light on. I'm talented that way.

4. Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, the one who got away, what do you say?
I'd like to think that I would sarcastically laugh but, knowing me, I would fall into silence.

5. What do you think about the weather this summer?
The humidity hasn't made me want to tear off my clothes in fits of passion enough. Sigh.

6. How many people do you trust with everything?
A few people.

7. What was the last thing you drank?
A very large cup of coffee.

8. Is there anyone you want to come see you?
There are many people that I would love to have visit me. Soon...

9. Name one thing you love about winter?
Layers and layers of clothing to remove. Kissing in falling snow.

10. Have you ever dated a Goth?
Somewhat.

11. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
The stitches come out.

12. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having?
A monster headache and what is and always has been very clear to me about the people in my life but I always fail to recognize.

13. What's the longest that you have committed to one person and one person only?
Seven years. I'm tired.

14. What’s the first thing you did when you opened your eyes today?
Administered medication.

15. Has anyone ever told you they never want to ever lose you?
Yes, grasping at straws at the end of a relationship.

16. Is there anybody that you wish you could fix your relationship with?
Yes, a friend in Asia who was like a little brother to me. I miss him and recently extended an olive branch. I am not surprised at his silence. I know in my heart that it will always be about him and he'll never see how he hurt me. With that being said, I sincerely wish him well in his life and I'll always remember the fun we had.

17. Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?
Why, yes! I'm pretty!

18. Do you think things will change in the next 3 months? How?
Summer will change to autumn. That I know for certain.

19. Do you believe that you never know what you got until you lose it?
I believe people fail to recognize the simple things in their life they should be grateful for on a daily basis.

20. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
I prefer to talk to the opposite sex. They cluck less.

26 August 2010

random scraps

certain words are more difficult to read.
it's hard to avoid and i try,
i try so very hard not to torture myself
when it is dangling in front of my tired eyes.
i cannot help myself but i know
we're all entitled to our memories.
i keep this in mind.

i once had a lover who would make
the most wonderful breakfasts -
lemon pepper eggs and hash browns.
we would stumble home too,
making out against chain link fences
and drunk on gin and lust.

do you feel that dull pull of jealousy like i do
when you read about moments such as this?
(that is not my intention, love)

if i was a girl who asked for jewels
and freshly cut flowers,
would i receive what i truly desire?
simplicity and affection,
acknowledgement and interest -
someone who can read between the lines.
"come sit beside me", he would say,
pulling me into his strong arms,
"tell me about your day."
i laugh to myself at the thought of this.
what a simple thing to wish for from another.
simple scraps of attention,
a need for reassurance.

i am not a challenge.
i make myself too available.
i have given too much to too many
and my heart is full of holes.
maybe it is true,
what a former friend once said of me,
"you are nothing but damaged goods."
ah, i do know better.
it's usually the scars that make us
who we are.

in case you are curious:
i love you like no one i have ever loved.
you are original.
one of a kind kinda love.
i think you should know that.

Do You Wanna?



(Do You Wanna) Come Walk With Me?
by Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan

Little girl, have I told you
how you light up my life?
Come and lay down beside me,
come and thrill me tonight.
Do you wanna?

I'm not saying I love you.
I won't say I'll be true.
There's a crimson bird flying
when I go down on you.

I'm so weary and lonesome
and it's cold in the night
when the path to your doorway
is a pathway of light.

Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna come walk with me?
If you do baby say it now
though we'll both wonder anyhow.

Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna?

Little girl, have I told you,
you're my guiding north star
and my love travels with you
wherever you are.

From the mountains to the valley
leave the light on for me,
from Virginia to Alaska
from sea to shining sea.

Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna come walk with me?
If you do baby say it now
though we'll both wonder anyhow.

Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna?

22 August 2010

Dream, Dream, Dream (again)



All I Have To Do Is Dream - REM

I've always loved this song, ever since I was a child (The Everly Bros version, that is). I'll be honest...I believe it is my all-time favorite song. REM does a lovely version of it which I discovered in a documentary about the music scene in 1980s Athens, Georgia.

13 August 2010

sometimes it catches up to you and you need to let it go again

I.
a set of hands on my throat which i playfully -smartly- worked my way out of.
later, i was told that he was abusive to women which was of no surprise.
i could feel it in those hands.
i could see it in those eyes.

II.
and, not to mention, financially.
later, i heard the stories of curfews,
punching a women square in the jaw,
throwing a heavy glass ashtray at another's face.
you are the only person i can say i truly hate.

III.
tonight.
a joke made about tossing women down a flight of stairs like a slinky.
people back home think you are charming, hilarious, one of a kind.
everyone loves you - people feel sorry for you.
when we were what we were, you called my colleague a cunt.
you fucked up something that was very important to me
but i can only feel grateful for getting out of that potential mess.
restraining orders and stalking,
serenading at her bedroom window with a kitchen knife -
oh, i have heard those stories too
and, sadly, they are becoming repetitive.


(no. i don't wish for sympathy or attention.
deep down, i am grateful for getting off easy.
deep down, i am saddened and angry on many different levels.
i am tired of aggression and anger. it drains me.
you have always been calm and gentle around me, kind and playful.
i could always see it in your eyes.
i can feel it in your wonderfully rough hands.
no matter where life takes us, be it closer or further...
I will always love and appreciate you. Always.)

09 August 2010

nothing

Crying in the bath and putting on the act of happiness.
It's funny, sometimes, how much we fake
to put on a good show, to accommodate others.

Affection. Memories.
A lover who listened closely to a girl
who smiled as she casually mentioned her love of
inky black pens to draw on crisp white paper.
The next week, he shyly handed her pens
wrapped in wrinkled brown paper.
No matter how awful he was to her,
that girl will always remember that gesture
and that silly mixed tape he gave her.
Every girl loves a simple surprise
and knowing someone was paying attention.

Wishes for a whispered goodnight in my ear.
Tell me that I am lovely
and everything will be alright.

08 August 2010

dizzy



i'm clawing off my clothes tonight
wishing i could be clawing off yours
my fingers running across your chest
as i straddle you
leaning down to lick your skin
and kiss your lips
feeling you deep inside of me
close my eyes and think of you
close my eyes and think of your brown eyes
watching me, adoring me, enticing me
your eyes have always made me feel something -
sadness, desire, playfulness, connection
i ache for you tonight
and i cannot wait for you to take me on
again.

you make me dizzy for all the right reasons.




"you ain't been sexin' kitten, but now you're screamin'..."

06 August 2010

sleepy


i would like nothing better than to be tangled up in blankets with you tonight. two sleepy lovers. hands in my hair. lips against your skin. breathing each other in. your eyes watching mine. my legs wrapped around yours. you inside of me. you inside of me. you inside of me. hotstickywet moans between parted lips that eventually turn into smiles.

and then, in that space beside you, i would curl up. two sleepy lovers. sleep....

Cappuccino

This morning, Angelo the coffee shop guy gave me a free cappuccino. It's been years since I have tasted one. He added the perfect amount of cinnamon and the beverage itself had a delicious nutty aftertaste. It was perfect. It may not seem like much to some people but, for me, it is the simple things in life that make a day wonderful.

I nursed the cappuccino at my desk all morning long. The aroma of espresso and cinnamon surrounded me. I closed my tired eyes and deeply inhaled. I purred a quiet "mmm". All of a sudden, I was taken back to a brief moment in my life so many years ago.

Home.
Christmastime.
Winter.
Snowflakes falling around me.
Excitement in the air.
Colorful lights in store windows.
Exchanging grins with strangers.
First kisses.
Wishing for first kisses that never came.
Falling in love.
Trying not to fall in love.
Lipstick stains on coffee mugs.
Second Cup on Graham.
Shared cigarettes.
The smell of coffee and cinnamon
and feeling so good to be alive
as the snowflakes danced around me
and the cold air fogged up my glasses.
Wishing I could hold mitten covered hands,
wishing someone could see how beautiful everything can be.
Confessing everything in my old notebook.
Ink stains on my fingers and a smile on my face.

The years may have dulled me. If I look close enough, I can still see the beauty and feel excitement. In winter, I still feel like falling in love and walking mittened hand in mittenhand while looking at pretty lights and sharing a hot coffee that tastes of cinnamon.

I don't ask for much. Good memories, a good cup of coffee, and maybe ... just maybe ... you'll kiss me on a snowy winter day and hold my mittened hand.

04 August 2010

Love Will Tear Us Apart



Yes, I know there are other Joy Division songs.

By the way, I highly recommend the movie Control. It made me fall deeper in love with Ian Curtis and Joy Division (it also made me cry). It's a beautiful film. Maybe we can watch it sometime.

03 August 2010

A Beautiful Morning

We stood on the platform, waiting for the train to arrive.
We were all strangers and soaked to the bone with hot summer rain.
Our umbrellas quietly dripped raindrops on the orange tiled floor.
I looked around at the faces around me with my tired eyes.
Nobody likes a stormy Tuesday, I thought,
and everyone looks miserable like it's Monday.

Voices.
Seemingly from out of nowhere,
the most beautiful voice echoed throughout the station.
Three people in harmony.
Three people singing a religious chant.
I looked up at the crowd of strangers around me.
All at once,
the strangers turned towards the three people singing.
The three people singing from a far.
All at once,
a sense of tranquility and connection washed over the crowd,
softening their faces and spirits.
A shiver ran across my bare, damp skin.

What a breathtaking, rare moment.

It reminded me that despite all the darkness,
I will always see beauty in the light.

01 August 2010

::smile::


"You are not the ugly stepsister - you are the princess. You are not the extra in the background - you are the lead."

Thank you, my friend.