28 September 2010


a man with rolled up shirt sleeves is sexy.

27 September 2010


you told me that
every time we made love
you felt like you were
going to go to hell
for having sex before marriage.
so i fed you red wine
naked in a blizzard
and fucked you in a hot tub,
snowflakes furiously stinging our flesh.
your discomfort was appealing.
the more furrowed your brow became -
the more i grinded on top of you,
the louder my moans became.
in a low, seductive voice
i murmured in your ear,
have you ever considered
that the reason you feel so bad
is because i make you feel so good?
your head tilted in consideration
and i fucked you harder,
water splashing around us,
snow melting on our swollen smiles
between hard kisses.
i'm only a man, you said,
and i am weak to you,
i'm so weak for you.

(p.s. jesus won)

26 September 2010

everyday is like sunday

Sunday morning coffee, Sunday morning meme. A little something to wake me up, thanks to Sunday Stealing. This number is called the "You've Been Tagged" meme.

1. Where are you from?
A town in the heart of the prairies in Canada.

2. If you could live any place in the world, where would you live?
I don't think I would like to live somewhere permanently. I'd like to live back home again. However, I would like to have little escapes here and there - a funky little apartment above a shop in the French Quarter of New Orleans, a cabin in the middle of nowhere by warm waters with stars above me, somewhere where I can grow a little garden. I miss fresh carrots.

3. What's your favorite blog? I'll check them out of course!
Not too original but I love Post Secret. I adore letter writing, postcards, and secrets. My mailbox aches for some...

4. What is your biggest blogging pet peeve?
Personally, I can never seem to make my blogs look "professional". I suppose I would have to design my own templates but I simply don't have the patience.

5. What's your favorite TV show this season?
For naked, sexy males - Trueblood. For a story that makes me want more - Breaking Bad. Shh, I may or may not have a crush on Bryan Cranston.

6. What's your favorite 'down' time {nothing computer related}?
Sitting back, closing my eyes, and listening to music.

7. Are you a parent? If so, what's your favorite thing to do with your children?
My dog and I like to run around the park, playing fetch with tennis balls in summer and snowballs in winter.

8. What about your blog, have you considered changing?
The layout, the design (as well as my other not-so-secret blogs). I wish more people would comment but I can't change that. I would like it to be more dirty and less tender but I write how I feel. Not every post can be about giving blowjobs and office fetishes. Heh.

9. What do you do for a living (if you work outside the home or if you work at home)?
In my secret blog life, I cannot say. Let's just say I sadly work in an entry level office position where there is no eye candy. When I am not working in my "cube", I am having the most delicious fantasies about being there that has nothing to do with what I actually do (or should be doing) in the office.

10. What is your favorite song at the moment? What is your favorite song ever?
My two favorite songs at the moment are The Gardener by The Tallest Man On Earth and Heart Skipped A Beat by The Xx. My favorite song that I have loved ever since I was a child is All I Have To Do (is dream) by The Everly Brothers.

11. What is your favorite niche TV channel to watch?
I don't have cable. I have the choice of CBC and CTV. Oh, and lots of fuzz.

12. If you could have any career, what would it be and why?
I'd like to do something where I can help abused animals. Why? Because I like animals better than people? I'd actually love to make my own cosmetics as well but you need the money to get into it, even just experimenting with it. I have made my own lipstick. It was a disaster without the proper tools. Still, fun.

13. What is your favorite outfit?
I'm so boring. Black pencil skirt, black Mary Janes, black tank top, and a tight fitting cardigan. I'd like some knee high boots to shake things up a bit.

14. If you could tell your teenage self something, what would you say?
I would say "stop complaining, at least you don't have to pay bills". I think my mother said that back then. Ack! Actually, I would probably tell myself back then ... good on you for being a virgin and believing in your sexuality, what you thought was the right thing to do was indeed right even when people laughed at you and males pressured you with threats, suicide notes, and mental abuse.

15. What is your favorite recipe?
I'm not kitchen savvy but I do enjoy my pizza dough recipe, my bread/pita bread recipes, and my hummus.

16. What is the funniest joke you've ever heard?
It's not so much a particular jokes. I have a very funny friend who will comment on life, little passing comments that don't actually mean much to others but said to make me laugh. I laugh at the time it is said. However, the best part is is that those comments will casually pass through my mind when I least expect it and I will laugh out loud. It makes me look insane if I am in public. Those are the best kind of jokes.

17. What is your favorite vacation spot and why?
If I could ever afford "vacation" again? Sigh. I would love to go back to New Orleans. I don't know what it is like post-Katrina but I would love to go back. It is a treasure.

18. What are you most excited about with fall here?t
The beginning of seasonal depression! Ha, not really. Pretty cardigans and crunchy leaves.

19. Did you envision yourself to be where you are today ten years ago? If not, what did you envision?
I would have never thought I'd be here, that's for sure. I don't think in terms like that so I can't tell you where I would have been. Probably on the west coast and not here.

20. If money were no object, what would your dream house look like?
I'm not the kind of gal that dreams of houses and weddings. Sure, I would like both but I also know there's a very big possibility that I will never own a house and be married. The only thing I would want from a house is a big bathroom. I want a big bathtub, room for two (room for fun, I say). Somewhere I can chill out, sit down and put on my make-up, and not feel cramped for space. I'm not into decorating or the such but I appreciate good faucet fixtures, stainless steel, the color red, and dark woods (sounds like a fucked up online dating ad). Oh, and I'd like a library with a sepia colored globe and a fine chair. Is that asking for much? I don't think so.

21. What is your all-time favorite Disney movie?
None of them but I like the female villains. They always fascinated me and had evil-looking arched eyebrows and dark hair.

22. What blog do you think isn't getting enough notice?
This one.

once, the tallest man in my eyes

"Yellow is the color of friendship, the color of contentment. You sent me my first poem. You wrote it for me. It was sweet and innocent. It provoked a warm sigh from my parted, painted lips. I longed for your words. From afar, they danced across my always questioning mind, lingering upon my wanton tongue. You said you would stand, you would wait for me until you are carried with the wind, scattered over the lonely earth. Every rock would watch me. Every tree would love me. And every time I fell asleep; a thousand kisses, a thousand whispers, a thousand little breaths would be upon my aching skin. You stand beside someone else now and so do I. I must confess, sometimes, late at night I listen very closely and I am convinced that I can still hear your whispers."

25 September 2010

forgotten songs that make me cry

Out To Get You by James

"...so alone tonight,
i miss you than i will let you know.
miss the outline of your back,
miss you breathing down my neck...
...looked in the mirror,
i don't know who i am anymore.
the face is familiar but the eyes,
the eyes, they give it all away....
...insecure, what you gonna do?
feels so small they could step on you.
called you up, answering machine
when the human touch is what i need...is you"

How Can I Tell You by Cat Stevens

"...wherever i am, girl,
i'm always walking with you,
i'm always walking with you
but i look and you're not there.
whoever i'm with
i'm always, always talking to you,
i'm always talking to you
and i'm sad that you can't hear,
sad that you can't hear..."

23 September 2010

monday, monday

you've had your hands on this skirt before,
not so long ago,
i softly said to myself.
a sleepy smile on my face
as my own hands smoothed the fabric;
adjusting, straightening
over smooth bare legs.

your calloused hands,
fondly remembered,
in my hair
and running down my back,
clinging to my hips
and hungrily pulling my body
closer to yours.
lips on lips,
i ached for you carefully
in hotel rooms and crowded elevators,
in passing glances and in that certain smile.

kiss me again,
my love, my lover, my beautiful friend -
you taste so very delicious.
come with me again,
my legs wrapped around you
and you deep inside me,
our eyes locked on each other.
cover me with the weight of your body
and one thousand kisses.
never let me go.

another saturday night

will you always be my friend,
you asked,
as we walked along a city street.
i hesitated and said yes,
we will,
as my eyes focused on the pavement.
i swallowed the lump in my throat
like i so often do.
we were once on the same page,
i thought to myself,
and that brief moment feels strange,
alien, foreign.
there was a reason why
i avoided you for all these years
and this is it -
walking away, always leaving you
in various degrees of heartache,
telling you that i love you
to silence and empty brown eyes,
fighting with myself,
and refusing to wait
but always waiting -
waiting waiting waiting
for you,
walking away from you,
crying when no one is looking
and smiling secretly at the thought of you.
i stand alone on this page,
for the moment.

21 September 2010


"No one says naked like Leonard Cohen."
~ Tom Robbins

Happy birthday, dear Leonard.

20 September 2010

can you teach me how to feel?

"...it's okay to say you have a weak spot,
you don't always have to be on top.
Better to be hated than love-love-loved
for what you're not.
You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable,
you are not a robot.
You're lovable, so lovable
but you're just troubled..."

~Marina & the Diamonds.
(ps, i believe i have a crush on her. mm.)

19 September 2010

the threesome meme

Sunday morning coffee and a meme from Sunday Stealing. Perhaps, this doesn't suit my blog but it is my Sunday morning and I'll do as I please!

1. At what time of your life were you happiest and why?
I've always been a mixture of happy and sad so it is difficult to say. I'm going to say about nine years ago. I met some very interesting people and found myself in very interesting situations that made me feel, breathe deeper, think, and love fiercely. I feel like my senses were on the ball. I saw clearer, heard every little noise, cried over beauty, and wrote like mad.

2. Where and when did you meet the love of your life?
Love of my life? To be safe, I'll say I met the love of my life when he was abused and thrown out of a moving car in front of a friend of a friend's house. This friend introduced him to me. He is the best dog in the world, the love of my life.

3. Favourite item of clothing ever or most treasured possession?
I don't really have one particular favorite. I like my silver ring with the saying on it, pencil skirts, black brogue-style Mary Janes, and that certain stack of love letters.

4. Must-have makeup or beauty item?
I'm a girl who loves make-up. I can't just have *one* item, for crying out loud. Essentials? MAC Russian Red lipstick, black liquid liner, MAC Carbon shadow and angled brush for application.

5. What do you think is your worst vice or fault .. honestly?
I am physically self destructive. I bite my nails and I have a mild-ish case of dermotillomania. I need to learn how to love myself.

6. Would you tell your friend, if you knew her husband/wife was cheating on her/him?
It would depend on the situation. I can't honestly give you an answer on that one. I can say that a friend told me my ex cheated on me as her partner at the time watched him fucking two girls at a party ... I am glad she did but the entire thing was awkward. I only wished she didn't tell me in public. Tears everywhere!

7. What ambitions, wishes or desires, for your life, do you still hold close to your heart?
I want to be happy. I want to find where home is. I want romance and I want to feel loved, passionately loved. I want to deal with my loneliness and I want to be surrounded by friends when I feel like it . I want to learn how to play piano. I want to laugh, have my own library, and a hairless cat. Et cetera.

8. Where do you see yourself five years from now?
You know what, here's a piece of honesty for you. I fucking hate questions like this.

9. If you had the choice of any talent with the penalty that you would lose a talent in exchange, what would you want to gain, and what would you be willing to loose?
I'd love to sing beautifully. I'd give up my amazing soup making skillz.

10. Name three things that you do want completed in your life before retiring?
Go to New Orleans again with F, learn how to play piano, and fix myself before it is too late.

11. Of all of the people out there who would have been your fantasy date? Date, not romance...
What do you mean, date not romance? Date as in "for one night"?! Or date, hang out casually for coffee (which often can lead to "for one night")? Ok, let's say it's date for one night. If I could turn back time, it would be young Leonard Cohen. We could go to a cafe and he could read the menu in that voice and then we'll confusingly make love all night love until he is inspired to write a tragic poem for me. AHHH!

12. Google put another spell on you, you have just changed genders for 48 hours... what are you going to do with your 2 days?
Grow a handlebar mustache and have sex with women. Duh.

13. If you owned your own island, and got to make it your own country, what would you call it? And why?

14. If you rubbed the lamp and got 3 wishes, what would they be?
Simply, I would wish to know what the hell to do with all this turmoil in my heart and head - an answer of what the right thing to do would be. As for the other two, a good chunk of money and health.

15. What is your earliest memory of puberty?
Hmm, breaking out in cystic acne and being bullied because of it? Oh, what fun!

16. If you got banished to your Island alone and could only bring 5 things, what would they be?
A vibrator with an endless supply of batteries, a communication device, some sort of manual on how to survive on an island, some sort of tool to help me out (the vibrator can't chop down trees for shelter, can it?), and music.


Heart Skipped A Beat

18 September 2010

mid-september letter

My love,

I wish I could mumble these words between pillows and blankets, kisses and your flesh.

Last night, my dreams were infested with many images. A girl and a boy, friendship lost, and someone who lied to me all along. The girl sang sweetly, I could hear her in the background. I hid my tears from the world. In bed, I tossed and turned. My arms and legs flailed. I woke up
with bruises on my arms from either hitting something or someone, maybe from pressing my fingertips deeply into my flesh. I must say, the bruise on my forearm is rather impressive and it intrigues me. I run my finger over the violet bump. You were in that dream.

Maybe I walk a little taller when I see you, maybe I smile a little more than usual. After every visit, very far and few between - if you ask me, women always remark that I am glowing and men flirt with me, smile, say pretty things. It is an interesting feeling. Warmth. I believe people see my warmth. I'm sure it has something to do with chemicals and science and pheromones but I prefer to give credit to you.

Sometimes I think I am all alone in this. I wonder how many lonely people think the exact same thing; deep within their ribcage hide secrets and wishes, regret and isolation, love that might not ever blossom. It is surprising when you discover that you are not the only one. It is surprising when it is someone so very close to you. Sit back and laugh at this beautiful mess we got ourselves in; one more thing we share in common other than blood. The downside, my love, is that I act as though I am unaffected. I am capable of giving support, a listening ear if need be, but I do not know the answers. I wish I did and I wish I could always say the right thing.

I am tired. I wish I could stretch out against you, my nose against your neck to breathe you in. There are so many things I wonder about you but when I look into your beautiful eyes, I forget all those questions. Do you still consider me one of your best lovers? When I cross your mind, do you still get that certain charming rush to your stomach? Have I tarnished you with my sadness and drama? Do you like keeping me at an arm's length, close enough to affect me but safe enough to protect your heart? Why do you say you are bad at relationships?

Oh, love ... my lover ... my friend, no matter where life takes us you will always have my heart. Do not let those words suffocate you, corner you, clip your wings. I am not sad tonight. When all the sadness and all the heavy words are pushed away and I am walking beside you, all there is ... is a girl who simply wants to make you smile and laugh. Simply.

I will fall asleep thinking of your lips so soft against my neck, the quiet sound of you breathing me in, and that different smile of yours only seen after deep kisses and during that night we were together. I have dreamed of that smile before we kissed, before you were inside of me. I remember waking up in tears after that dream because I thought you would never smile at me like that. When you finally did, as our body moved together so perfectly, a sense of calm washed over me. That intimate, genuine, appreciative, tender smile stays with me.

And this is the part where my words turn into a mumble and I probably drool on your naked shoulder.

Goodnight, and love.

16 September 2010


your hand on my jaw,
lifted my chin
to expose my neck
to your lips.
soft kisses and dizziness.
my eyes half shut,
i thought,
i am not used to such gentleness.
and i am so weak for you,
my love,
i am so weak for you.

i like kissing you.
i like being kissed by you,
our bodies against each other,
melting, and my heart thunderbeats
not so safe in my chest.
i could kiss you for hours
under blankets or in an empty elevator.

and it makes me feel good
when i make you smile,
when i make you laugh.
i like you too.

15 September 2010

Oh, meet me...

"Kids on the Run"
beautiful words & music
by The Tallest Man on Earth

Oh, meet me when the morning fails on the fields of desire.
Oh, meet me when I lost my part in the choir of dusk
where the promise to lead what is right
as we both know how fields will turn white.
And know I will never speak of days
'cause I know you wont count them.

No, we have never grown a day from the poison we shared.
And we're walking our crooked path home
but will we ever confess what we've done?
Guess we're still kids on the run.

And, no, we will never be a part of the pictures once taken
when we're feeding fire with the flames 'til no memories gone.
And the cold sky will write us a song
but will we ever confess what we've done?
Guess we're still kids on the run

And the reflections in their eyes
sure could paint us as killers.
Oh, I'll be there....

And 'til the terror of our time
could forgive us as lovers.
Oh, lets break some hearts....

And, no, I will never speak of ways
'cause i know you wont try them
but all the weapons raining from the sky will be ours to embrace.
And the cold sky will write us a song
but will we ever confess what we've done?
Guess we're still kids on the run.

05 September 2010

The Majorly Personal Meme, part III

Hey, Sunday Stealing is helping me distract myself with part three of the Majorly Personal Meme! God only knows I need one (and a hug) today.

41. What are your plans for this weekend?
Well, it's half over. For the rest of the weekend, figure out what the hell to do with my life. If that fails, I will repeatedly smash my forehead against the keyboard of my laptop while crying.

42. Do you think someone might be thinking poorly about you? Why might that be?
I sure do! Why, you ask? Well, apparently it's always my fault. Et cetera.

42. What features don't you have that you would like on your cell?
Everything. No cell.

43. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed?
Two. Maybe more depending on how attractive they are. HA!

44. What are you hoping happens by the end of 2010?
Oh, hell. I don't know. I just want to be happy.

45. What was the last video you watched on YouTube?
Mark Lanegan's video, "House a Home". I like to hum it while walking home.

46. Would you ever agree to an open relationship with someone?
I think the concept is interesting and in my mind I'd be able to do it. In reality, no. I think it would bring out the worst in me.

47. Is there something that you could never give up?
Eating, breathing, music, reading. And so on.

48. Would you, (or did you) prefer a small, intimate wedding reception, or a big-scale, over-the-top reception?
Do we have to talk about this? I'd prefer to elope, actually, with no one there except my significant other and myself. As girly as it sounds, I think a winter/snowflake themed wedding would be very pretty.

49. What’s bothering you right now?
Oh, a little too much.

50. Do you hate anyone?
My last ex. Hate him, hate him, hate him.

51. What were you doing at 12 am last night?
Reading, maybe. Talking nonsense to my dog.

52. Was this summer a good one? How warm was it where you live?
I worked all summer. In an office. I guess it was what it was. It was a little too humid for my liking.

52. Is the last person you kissed before your current situation mad at you?
That's a difficult question to answer at this moment.

53. Can a man and woman be friends without having feelings for each other?
I think it's easier for a woman to be friends with a man without feelings.

54. Do you think long distance relationships work? If you’ve had one, tell us about it.
I've been in a few. Some worked, some didn't. Some were a pain in the ass, some were incredibly romantic. In my opinion, there just has to be a solution and a common goal to work towards because long distance relationships can wear one down.

55. Do you know why it’s called “Random Boredom“?
Do you?

56. Do you thing that it’s always the man’s responsibility to initiate sex?
No, it's not but I do think the way women approach it is much different. Or, maybe it's just how I approach it.

57. Have you ever made love while you were in the same room with another couple?
Can one truly "make love" while in the same room as another couple? The answer is no, not in the same room.

58. Tell us the best thing about your current or most recent S/O.
His compassion towards animals.

59. Tell us the worst thing about your current or most recent S/O.
It's all about him. He can do no wrong.

** I apologize if I appear bitter. I'm truly having a rotten day.