30 October 2010

words i long to hear

This Forgotten Love - Human Drama
"...the word love cannot love for you."

i long for someone to pull me close
and hold me against their chest,
softly brush the hair from my face
and the tears that sting my cheeks.
i long to hear a calm voice to confirm,

"i know you loved him.
i know this hurts.
i know your heart is breaking.
i know how much you loved him.
your disbelief is normal
and so is your anger,
so is your disappointment
in the loss of a friend.
i know how much you believed in him.
you are not stupid.
you are not a fool.
you loved despite fear
and you loved honestly."

28 October 2010


you were my light
and, stupidly,
i miss you tonight.

24 October 2010


"Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion." ~ Mirabeau

(( i believed in you ))

23 October 2010


I've seen the way you have looked at me before on our morning commute.
You, a stranger with furious brown eyes that eat up the sight of my legs.
I've wondered about you, the way you look at me and other women.
You want to reach out and touch as though you've never seen legs before
during our brief five minutes of transportation together.
You are almost frightening and then you disappear;
running up the stairs with your furious brown eyes focused
on the bus you are trying hard not to miss.

In pain and patience, I waited alone with a book in my lap.
I looked up as you walked by, my head tilted in recognition.
Your eyes obediently fell to my legs and I wondered.
I lingered all day because I had no choice
and I watched you work; walking back and forth,
pushing and pulling, transporting and providing.
All the while, observing me from the corner of your eye.
Your reaction to me; a little less frightening,
a little more intriguing.

On the second day of waiting,
book in lap once again.
I looked up as you walked by.
I broke away from the words I read and
your furious brown eyes looked into mine.
The corner of your mouth curled into a playful smile,
a devilish smile which you teased me with
each time you walked past me throughout the long day.

The way your lips formed smile captivated me.
My cold hands ached to slip beneath the shirt of your uniform.
My steady hips ached to be pulled into you by your strong hands
in some random corner or behind starched cotton curtains.
I don't need to know your name,
just some cliche fantasy,
so the next time we meet on our morning commute,
we could simply share an all-knowing nod
and a little taste of lust on our silent tongues
that once tasted each other behind closed doors.

(In any case,
thank you for the distraction
from the pain of my body
and of my broken heart.)

18 October 2010


Once upon a time, there was a man who liked to feed a particular stray cat. Occasionally, he would take the time to scratch the cat behind her ear and feed her saucers of milk and scraps of meat. The cat grew accustomed to this; trusting, stretching her neck to receive pats on the head and eagerly eating up these thrown scraps of meat and affection. She began to trust the man and returned to his door to wait patiently for just a little more and to give back to the man her honest love and friendship. This stray cat was always waiting, always reliable, and always there for the man who fed her. But the funny thing about the man who liked to feed this particular stray cat was that, even though he genuinely liked the cat, he only fed her at his convenience : when he needed a friend, when he felt lonely, when his world was seemingly against him. When all was well in his world or when things were ultimately terrible, he disappeared while the cat waited patiently at his door for a little of his food and a little of his affection tossed her way. However, the cat did not just want something from him. The cat wanted to give him so much more and she did - love, tenderness, friendship, honesty. And all she ever received were, ultimately and unfortunately, lies and scraps thrown her way that were given at his own convenience. Little did the stray cat know, he was feeding many other cats while cooing in her ear that she was the only one.

Kitten has grown tired of scraps of affection and saucers of sour milk. Give her some honesty.

15 October 2010

you had time

"You are a china shop and I am a bull.
You are really good food and I am full.
I guess everything is timing.
I guess everything's been said
so I am coming home with an empty head...
...said you needed time
and you had time."

10 October 2010

fifty question meme

It's Sunday morning. I have a cup of dark roast coffee by myself and a sleepy look in my eyes. Here's another meme from Sunday Stealing to wake myself up.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Oh God, I have a chunk of mascara stuck to my eye" and then random groans.

2. How much cash do you have on you?

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?

4. Favorite planet?
This one.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
No mobile.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
No phone, no ringtone.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
A beat-up hoodie. I'm very cold and just woke up.

8. Do you label yourself?
I try not to. If I do, it is to beat myself up to.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?
Furry black beat-up slipper by Tender Tootsies. Jesus, I'm not painting a very attractive picture of myself this morning.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Both serve their own purposes.

11. Did you do anything to celebrate John Lennon's 70th yesterday?
I was O.V Wright's birthday. So, I listened to his music.

12. What does your watch look like?
All of my watches are currently dead. They look like they don't work.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was working.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
No phone.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Too far.

16. What’s a word that you say a lot?
"I'm tired"

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
It's been a while.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
My dog.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Nothing illegal.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
Rolls of film?

21. Favorite age you have been so far?

22. Your worst enemy?

23. What is your current desktop picture (extra points if you post it.)?
My dog in the sun, looking like a healthy dog food model.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
I said "woof" to my dog. And now I appear "crazy".

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Well, flying would be cool but it doesn't exactly put food on my table. So, a million dollars it is!

05 October 2010


i want to smell your chest and run my fingers along your chest hair. growl. mmm.

04 October 2010


Our last evening in town.

Sadly, we sat at the coffee shop on Graham Avenue. The windows were January frosty. You drank raspberry tea and I had a dark roast coffee. We were so tragically silence. I didn't want to cry in public but tears welled up in my eyes anyway. I looked away from you to glance out the window at passing strangers, to avoid your eyes. Your face was incredibly sad but you were trying to stay strong for me, saying clumsy but encouraging words very quietly. I hate this, I muttered, I don’t want to say goodbye. This was exactly what we knew would happen. There will come a time for us to part. You had a tiny square of notepaper and you took out your pencil. You furiously scribbled on this piece of paper and folded into a neat square. Don’t open it until after we leave, you said. I slipped it into my pocket and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. It was time to take that cold walk again to the bus station.

This time, I was the one leaving as my bus was to depart a half hour before yours that would take you out to the warmth of the west. We stood in front of the door of my bus. We held each other and cried. We looked at each other, our faces broken and frozen. My bottom lip quivered and you looked mournfully at me. We said "bye for now" and you promised that you would be back in town to see me again. We kissed. We confessed our love for one another. You stood solemnly in the parking lot of the bus depot as I sat on the bus, tears in my sad brown eyes, and you watched me ride away.

The bus turned at the corner of the street. It was night but the bus was lit by the lights of downtown. I felt hollow and lonely for you already. I wondered what you were doing, if you were sitting quietly or walking to ease your saddened mind. I wiped my tears away and stared out the window. The few others on the bus looked at me curiously as they witnessed our parting. I was shivery and cold, leaning my head against the window. I remembered that I had that square of paper in my coat pocket. I reached for it, unfolding it carefully. In pencil, written over and over and over again – “I love you, I love you, I love you” fifty times. I smiled and frowned at the same time. My heart was full of love, full of pain. I was so grateful that we finally got to spend time together and I missed you terribly already. I read your note over and over again until the bus left the bright city limits and drove into the darkness of the prairies at night.

Once in a while, I will go through my things, my letters from you, and I will find that little piece of folded paper. I unfold it to read your words and I smile fondly. I loved you too, I loved you too.

Happy birthday, wherever you are. Though I no longer love you in that fierce way that I do love, you will always be cherished and I will always be grateful for all those lessons we learned together, my friend. I hope the moon still makes you smile and you find adventure in all that you do.

03 October 2010

time travel meme

Sunday morning coffee and the Time Traveler meme, thanks to Sunday Stealing. I'm going back roughly 10 years ago. It was 1999-2000 and I was 22-23 years of age.

1. Would your younger self (YYS, from here) recognize you when you first meet?
The hair is different, the skin is clearer but I can still fit into *some* clothes from back then ... so yes, my younger self would recognize me now. Or, maybe my younger self would be amazed at how damn tired I look.

2. Would YYS be surprised to discover what you are doing job wise?
My younger self would be surprised to know current me is working so far from home. To be honest, ten years ago I briefly worked at the same company (different city, different job position) that I am working at now. I think younger me would be surprised to know that I work in such solitude.

3. What piece of fashion advice would you give YYS?
Don't wear a short plaid skirt and knee high socks on first dates. It will only get you in trouble. Sweet, sweet trouble.

4. What do you think YYS is most going to want to know?
I think the younger me would like to know if it gets easier to meet people who I truly click with, especially romantically and sexually.

5. How would you answer YYS's question?
I would say that it would become easier to meet people but it will take some taste testing to discover who/what is sexually compatible with me. I would tell her now that the loneliness she feels is okay and will follow her forever - learn the tools to deal with it.

6. What would probably be the best thing to tell YYS?
Oh, there's so much I could tell her. Don't sleep with B unless you just want a good fuck - don't do it because you still love him (current me could have so much fun with him from what I know now!) Wear protection. Work on yourself and your hurts before getting involved with someone else, deprogram. Believe in yourself more - you can to whatever you want in life. Don't be so scared.

7. What is something that you probably wouldn't tell YYS?
Maybe I'd leave out some heartbreak. She'll discover that soon enough.

8. What do you think will most surprise YYS about you?
That I committed to a long term relationship.

9. What do you think will least surprise YYS?
That I am in love and lust with someone else. Oh, drama - you are truly ageless!

10. At this point in your life, would YYS like to run into "you" from the future?
Really? Younger self was 22 and single, could handle her alcohol, and didn't feel like hell when she stayed up all night. Younger self could dance in 4 inch heels - while drinking! - and last all night. I think current me is a little too mellow for her! ;) However, younger self had much more disposable income ... current me would like some of that!

love holiday

when i was a child, there was never any doubt that my parents loved me.
i knew they loved me even though they seemed incapable of telling me.
i never heard them say,
l____ - you are loved and i love you.
it would have been nice to hear.

when i was twenty-two, a man told me that he was in love with me.
he was the first man to declare his love for me.
he was my first lover.
the moment was beautiful and i felt truly loved.
one week later, i discovered it was said only out of guilt.
he fucked multiple people at an orgy the night before he said he loved me.
that wasn't the look of fear in his eyes, the fear of falling.
it was simply grasping at straws and hanging on to nothing.
he robbed me of that moment.

the concept is simple.
if you love someone, you tell them.
if you don't ....
well, a lot can be said from silence.

02 October 2010


"...hanging so high for your return
but the stillness is a burn...