Seven years ago, you came by where I worked and told me that you would be back to ask me a question during my lunch break. When my lunch break arrived and you, the handsome stranger that I had such a nerve-wracking crush on, were to come by - out of fear, I fled and hid from you. I hid in the ladies washroom and ate my lunch, stupidly. That was always my first instinct - flee - and it came so naturally to me.
When things became intense during those winter nights after work, meeting for coffee or pints at the pub ... I became a bitch to you. Another form of fleeing. I was a bitch and I avoided your phone calls. You would call and I would look at the call display, call after call. It was too real, I was falling for you, and I was scared. I fled.
I could have easily stayed. Time has allowed me some wisdom. Time and distance keeps me from fleeing. Sometimes. Since then, I have only wanted to be close to you and in all sincerity.
Until the other day. For the first time in seven years, I wanted to flee from you. I received a normal message from you, casual and basic. I told myself, I should be happy - you are in my life again. Instead, my heart dropped to my stomach and tears welled in my eyes and I thought, I can't have you in my life right now. My heart needs protection. I don't want to hurt anymore, C. I need to walk away, I need to run from you. You left too much time pass between all of this bullshit and I tried, love, I tried to talk about it as it happened.
I have spent the last four months convinced that I was worthless and not worth the effort, that you never loved me - you only said the words, that you got what you wanted - a holiday spot and a good fuck. I convinced myself that I was a fucking idiot, loving someone who only sees me as just a girl he just so happened to want to fuck/fucked. You never loved me. If you wanted me, you'd have me. If you loved me as you said you did, you wouldn't believe what she said - you would have made effort to heal us. You would have called. You would have stopped procrastinating. You would have seen me during the holidays. Your lack of trying is how you will lose me.
I always saw you as the light to my darkness, the calm to my chaos, and someone who simply understood me. All of this has been such a bitter awakening - I don't have you anymore and I never did. I was foolish. Lovestruck. Lovestupid. And now you shared Madrugada with her and her and her and my heart breaks ... because, selfishly, I always wanted it to be me.
It is too difficult for me to brush this off when there were so many words that needed to be said months ago. It was not what happened, love - I can get past that. It's all the time you let slip and grow between us. And now I pretend I am cool with our "friendship", casual emails and songs shared that you will share with whoever you're fucking next. I can't do it. I can't fake it, love. I am not okay - I AM DROWNING in sadness and sorrow. I know if you read this, you'd do nothing but say you understand. I want you to fight, prove, claw and ache and hurt and declare and show me that I mean something. Anything. That I am worth it. That I meant something. That you do love me. Yeah, I'm still a fucking idiot.
I love you very much and I will always love you.
As much as I don't want to do this, I think I need to walk away from you for a while. I can't pretend that I do not hurt and that I do not love you. I can't pretend that I am not hurt by your actions or lack thereof. When I talk to you, I am reminded of how worthless you made me feel and how stupid I feel for believing you loved me as I loved you. My heart is tired, love, and I need to protect myself from you.
If you ever you want me, you know where to find me ... in some random ladies washroom somewhere out there.
For months, I have been battling the darkness of depression. It's a fight and sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. There are days when I think it would be easier to medicate until I am numb and without a personality. Nights like tonight, I feel like I am drowning in sadness.
I miss turning to you even when I knew you couldn't be there - I could always feel you there. I built you there. I believed in something that was never truly there in the first place. I'm a idiot. I'm a fucking idiot who waits for you to prove me wrong. You do nothing. And foolish me just wants to be in someone's arms, tears wiped away, and gentle words in my ear - I know, love, I know it hurts...you will be okay...I know you loved him...
Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking idiot with a stupid fucking broken and used-up heart. Fuck.