a delicious satisfaction

Creep

2011-08-25T22:48:00.002-04:00

I act brave and I act strong

but I know, at the bottom of my shattered heart,

there is a drop of hope in a sea of sadness.

A hope that begs of you to come around

so we could talk together

like I needed to so long ago.

A hope that gently pushes you

to pick up the phone to give me a proper goodbye.

A hope that confirms you were not a fucking lie in my life.

You fucked me up like

no one

has

ever

fucked

up,

Craig.

Fuck secrets.

Fuck your lies.

Fuck laziness and your protection.

You had so much time to right this wrong. To talk to me. And you failed me. You used me, you said you loved me, you fucked me, and you fucked off. That was easy for you. Saying a respectful goodbye was not. I still don't understand.

I wish you could help me understand and prove me wrong.

distant games

2011-07-28T21:53:00.003-04:00

You are distant

and I want to understand.

You give me scraps of words

and I consider the games of silence

and the offering of a taste

of one's medicine but I refuse to play.

So, you do what you have to do

and I will wait until

your hands are in the air

and you surrender or

until you quietly disappear

into the night without a goodbye.

But understand, my love,

the past has wounded me too

and I refuse to take my heart

and run away from you.

I refuse to build walls of silence

without answers, without warnings.

My hands are reaching out for you.

For JP

2011-05-25T22:24:00.002-04:00

Her brown eyes, sad and heavy.

Her skin, aching and curious

to crawl under crisp, white sheets

and find him there,

breathe him in,

taste and fall...

Turned away on her own side,

she is left with dreams

of the touch of his cold, foreign hand,

his breath hot on the back of her lonely neck,

and a whisper in her ear -

the terrified confessions

of two strangers in love

that they don't understand.

Middle of the night

and she knows he is waking up

to start his day, somewhere.

Her sleepy fingers, under wrinkled blankets,

crawl up her white thighs instead

in pleasure, in sorrow, in his honor.

Swallowing every word left unsaid,

she closes her troubled eyes

and her heart pounds,

forever unrequited.

Difficult

2011-05-07T15:38:00.003-04:00

Ah, it would be so easy to write a one sentence letter to you: Dear C, I miss you, your friend.

I ask myself why I should miss you and all I can say, despite everything, is that I simply just do. Truth be told, it bothers me more that I cannot say those words to you. Well, I could ... but you, like usual, would prefer to say nothing at all (not even a "fuck off"). I go home soon and I have not told anyone save for family. You would always be the first to know. You were always a part of home and I am still learning to understand that you are no longer a part of home.

I keep repeating one thing:

It is what it is ... and it is over.

How good would it feel to see your eyes one more time, to feel your arms around me, to make you smile. How happy I would be to hear you say that you miss me. I wish in circles, pointless circles, for something that will never be done or said ... and I have wished for such things when you still had affection for me.

I have learned that grieving for a loved one all alone is truly horrible and that every one deserves closure. You never gave me my closure.

I have learned to fantasize without your face ruining my desire but I still feel your finger running down my arm and I smile and I wince at the same time. So, instead, I fill my thoughts with pleasuring my colleague, office sex in supply rooms and stairwell, his long hair tangled in my fingers and his tongue explores between my thighs, consoling him during or after a hockey game. Swearing in French with his lips against mine as he aggressively pushes me against the wall.

Sometimes, it helps me forget you and how much of a mess I am.

on my side

2011-05-01T02:18:00.004-04:00

my mistake is that i stuff the hole where you once were with too much work and other men who don't mind to share music, thoughts.

there are nights like these where i cannot stuff anymore in this wound even though i try my hardest. all of a sudden, i feel like i have been thrown and abandoned in a wide open field with no clothes on my body. exposed.

in a little voice and big tears, i say to myself, i miss you. i am selfish and i miss you. i am a stupid fool who tries too hard to fool everyone. i am dark and lonely and you were the only one who seemed to understand. in my mind and in email, i could think of you and know that this lonely fool is not so lonely because you are there in some way or another.

but you're no longer there, my friend.

this is not about love. this is not about lust. i miss you always having my back, always liking me as a person in your life. it would be so easy to say hello but i won't as i know you do not wish for me to be around any longer. i remind you of mistakes and pain.

i am your mistake and you are the one i miss so terribly tonight.

les positions, avec toi.

2011-04-24T01:26:00.002-04:00

Position,

the hallway in our office.

Back me into a corner,

your arms trapping me

and your hands flat against the wall.

Come closer,

lips barely touching lips.

Thick French accent speaking English,

I really want to kiss you.

You lick the corner of my mouth.

Another position.

On my back.

Your long hair,

black with some grey,

all over my naked thighs

as you eat me out.

Stopping every now and then,

to tell me dirty words

in French.

finalities

2011-04-10T16:57:00.002-04:00

I walk through the day

as though I am sentenced to death,

steady steps taken to hide

my trembling body

and my head held high to mask

the sorrow in my eyes.

If you keep your word,

it will be tonight

and it will be the last night

where our words will sadly play together -

slam of the door,

the last chapter closed,

no more ink in the pen,

and the silence of the end of a relationship.

We will linger until we forget

that we were ever in each other's lives.

I am not strong enough to say goodbye

and I am too stubborn to forget.

(scribbled in late 2010/early 2011)

late night wounds

2011-04-06T22:54:00.003-04:00

Stupidly and foolishly,

I miss you.

I miss you even though you treated me like trash.

I miss you even though all I ever was,

essentially,

was a seven year long conquest - a fuck -

who made you feel good when you needed

a pick-me-up.

You didn't love me.

You lied.

You got what you wanted and

you hoped I would go away.

After seven years of secretly and not-so-secretly

loving you so fiercely ...

it is an unbelievable HURT and EMPTINESS

that I cannot even begin to describe

other than "it is like my entire belief structure

was completely wrong".

It's difficult, after all this time, knowing I meant nothing.

All of this bullshit could have been cleared up

in a thirty minute honest phone call.

Seven years of loving something,

seven months of heartache -

this is not getting easier, C.

But I miss you.

I miss how I could turn to you when things felt dark

and I felt neglected.

I miss believing, perhaps blindly, that there were

always arms to be held in ...

always your smile to support me.

I miss knowing that I had a friend in you.

I have no one.

He boasts of her voice, his talent.

I cannot help but hear that same voice

but much angrier ...

"You do not deserve my support.

All you do is rot."

How is this love?

Don't we support our partners

and cheer them on regardless of the event?

I am not an artist.
I work in an office.

I do not have a creative talent.

I sew, I scribble, I remain in close contact with friends.

I do not deserve his support and I rot.

I hear these words always even if things are fine.

It hurts as much as your silence.

Actually, his asshole behavior is of no surprise.

You surprised me.

I miss you.

I shouldn't ...

but I do.

Appointment

2011-03-06T01:28:00.002-05:00

It seems so foreign to me.

After seven years of longing;

to love and be loved,

to be allowed a curious taste

with tongues and searching fingertips,

to be your friend -

simply, your friend.

It has come to this:

Penciled in for Monday

to neatly wrap things up

with an exchange of words

and a firm handshake

to say goodbye

to what might have been.

On Your Birthday

2011-02-07T23:40:00.002-05:00

It is your lack of effort

that will cause you to lose me.

Happy birthday.

You are free

I am not as worthless

as you treated me.

confession #9

2011-02-05T17:04:00.006-05:00

I masturbated to the hockey game because I know you are watching. On Monday, you wear your jersey and I'll wear an all-knowing smirk.

Dale Hawerchuk by Les Dales Hawerchuk

office/bureau

2011-02-04T22:32:00.003-05:00

I am unable to tell if our emails were flirtatious

or if it is this damn office fetish.

Whatever the case, you made me smile

and caused a spark of devilish thoughts

in my restless mind, under my aching skin.

You can fuck me, cher co-worker ~

vous etes tres sexy avec vos longs cheveux noirs et gris,

vos yeux bruns qui me regarde.

Je m'excuse mon Francais!

Perhaps that is the sentence I will give you,

since you say I owe you one en Francais,

and hope I don't get fired....

There's an empty stair well nearby.

My lips are painted red and hungry.

You're tall, dark, and mysterious.

Between hungry kisses and entwined bodies,

let's speak each other's language poorly

and let your hair hang down in your face

because it makes you look fierce and mean.

Hold my wrists and bite my neck,

your unshaven face against my soft skin -

you can take me on, you can have your way

dans le bureau and between my legs,

fuck me hard when everyone is thinking

I am downstairs getting coffee

and you are on a cigarette break.

Il est une idee delicieuse, non?!

Moto Boy

2011-01-25T23:17:00.002-05:00

Moto Boy

he has the most beautiful voice -

like a dream that makes you feel

like you are

falling falling falling.

and he's pretty damn delicious too.

Tuesday Morning in January

2011-01-25T20:39:00.004-05:00

I like the red in your beard

and your warm winter hat

with the ear flaps.

Sleepy morning eyes,

the shade of brown

I'm fond of.

You're off to work again

where you will daydream

of blue water and songs

that makes you want to dance.

It's nice to see you again,

stranger.

confession #8

2011-01-23T23:25:00.003-05:00

sometimes i am afraid

that no one will ever kiss me

the way you kissed me.

sometimes i am afraid

that someone will

and you will be

forgotten.

Sivert Hoyem

2011-01-22T13:06:00.002-05:00

I adored your music long before I knew

what you looked like so I feel no shame in saying

I want to tear you to shreds,

sexyhotdelicious Norwegian man.

Happy birthday, Sivert Hoyem - my favorite.

Your music has been my companion

during a really tough year.

And you're hot.

Let Go

2011-01-22T01:39:00.003-05:00

Seven years ago, you came by where I worked and told me that you would be back to ask me a question during my lunch break. When my lunch break arrived and you, the handsome stranger that I had such a nerve-wracking crush on, were to come by - out of fear, I fled and hid from you. I hid in the ladies washroom and ate my lunch, stupidly. That was always my first instinct - flee - and it came so naturally to me.

When things became intense during those winter nights after work, meeting for coffee or pints at the pub ... I became a bitch to you. Another form of fleeing. I was a bitch and I avoided your phone calls. You would call and I would look at the call display, call after call. It was too real, I was falling for you, and I was scared. I fled.

I could have easily stayed. Time has allowed me some wisdom. Time and distance keeps me from fleeing. Sometimes. Since then, I have only wanted to be close to you and in all sincerity.

Until the other day. For the first time in seven years, I wanted to flee from you. I received a normal message from you, casual and basic. I told myself, I should be happy - you are in my life again. Instead, my heart dropped to my stomach and tears welled in my eyes and I thought, I can't have you in my life right now. My heart needs protection. I don't want to hurt anymore, C. I need to walk away, I need to run from you. You left too much time pass between all of this bullshit and I tried, love, I tried to talk about it as it happened.

I have spent the last four months convinced that I was worthless and not worth the effort, that you never loved me - you only said the words, that you got what you wanted - a holiday spot and a good fuck. I convinced myself that I was a fucking idiot, loving someone who only sees me as just a girl he just so happened to want to fuck/fucked. You never loved me. If you wanted me, you'd have me. If you loved me as you said you did, you wouldn't believe what she said - you would have made effort to heal us. You would have called. You would have stopped procrastinating. You would have seen me during the holidays. Your lack of trying is how you will lose me.

I always saw you as the light to my darkness, the calm to my chaos, and someone who simply understood me. All of this has been such a bitter awakening - I don't have you anymore and I never did. I was foolish. Lovestruck. Lovestupid. And now you shared Madrugada with her and her and her and my heart breaks ... because, selfishly, I always wanted it to be me.

It is too difficult for me to brush this off when there were so many words that needed to be said months ago. It was not what happened, love - I can get past that. It's all the time you let slip and grow between us. And now I pretend I am cool with our "friendship", casual emails and songs shared that you will share with whoever you're fucking next. I can't do it. I can't fake it, love. I am not okay - I AM DROWNING in sadness and sorrow. I know if you read this, you'd do nothing but say you understand. I want you to fight, prove, claw and ache and hurt and declare and show me that I mean something. Anything. That I am worth it. That I meant something. That you do love me. Yeah, I'm still a fucking idiot.

I love you very much and I will always love you.

As much as I don't want to do this, I think I need to walk away from you for a while. I can't pretend that I do not hurt and that I do not love you. I can't pretend that I am not hurt by your actions or lack thereof. When I talk to you, I am reminded of how worthless you made me feel and how stupid I feel for believing you loved me as I loved you. My heart is tired, love, and I need to protect myself from you.

If you ever you want me, you know where to find me ... in some random ladies washroom somewhere out there.

Bye, love.

My Battle With Myself

2011-01-17T23:14:00.004-05:00

Don't Let The Darkness In Your Head - Blue Rodeo

For months, I have been battling the darkness of depression. It's a fight and sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. There are days when I think it would be easier to medicate until I am numb and without a personality. Nights like tonight, I feel like I am drowning in sadness.

I miss turning to you even when I knew you couldn't be there - I could always feel you there. I built you there. I believed in something that was never truly there in the first place. I'm a idiot. I'm a fucking idiot who waits for you to prove me wrong. You do nothing. And foolish me just wants to be in someone's arms, tears wiped away, and gentle words in my ear - I know, love, I know it hurts...you will be okay...I know you loved him...

Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking idiot with a stupid fucking broken and used-up heart. Fuck.

crept

2011-01-09T23:16:00.002-05:00

i try to please myself

with more distraction

and one lonely, wandering hand

between my thighs.

i will not think of you,

i declare

as i press my eyes shut

and stroke gently.

i am lost in the moment

and, like clockwork,

i see your eyes and how they looked at me

when we fucked one summer ago.

i feel your hands on my hips

as you hungrily pulled me in

and your lips upon my neck,

you breathed me in so deeply.

(i never told you how sexy that was)

my heart sinks.

my fingers are wet

with loneliness and memories

and another failed orgasm

because you creep into my head

and remind me,

you remind me...

(i know you do not think of me - like that - anymore

and it makes me feel sad and stupid.)

still, i dream

2011-01-09T23:06:00.004-05:00

i dreamed of you last night.

you were in my bed,

once again.

we laughed over something,

i cannot recall now.

it was morning

and we were sleepy.

you reassured me

that everything would be okay.

i leaned in and smiled,

my grin against your naked chest.

i kissed your side

and felt your chest hair

against my cheek.

i breathed you in and sighed

at your smell

and the peace between us.

old friends laughing,

old friends naked -

no hurt between us.

i woke up with a gentle smile

and a pleasant tug at my heart.

i still miss you

and what might have been.

rantravecryweep

2010-12-14T23:53:00.002-05:00

i wish i did not feel alone

in all of this.

i wish you could prove me wrong

but you only keep me waiting.

i wish i knew that you are hurting too

but you say nothing as always.

you've made me feel like

i am worthless

because you cannot talk to me,

you cannot explain,

you cannot call me up,

you cannot even try to fix things

or inquire when i was ill,

you cannot say hello,

you cannot say goodbye.

you just keep me hanging

and hoping i'll go away.

i am scared to go home

because the loneliness of you

will swallow me whole.

you were always a part of home.

you were always a part of coming home

and you are no longer

because, to you,

i am not worth

talking to,

trying,

being honest with.

you just keep me waiting,

you just want me to go away

because

it is EASIER for you.

i miss you.

my heart bleeds.

and i wish,

i fucking wish,

this could be
EASIER

for me

like it is

for

you.

running out of time

2010-12-05T01:52:00.002-05:00

skin left untouched,

undiscovered,

between sticky sheets

and cold winter nights.

bodies covered

in layers of clothing

that will never

fall to the floor,

ungracefully.

instead,

our breath will hang

in frosty air

and between

awkward embraces

like it was before

once upon a time

and when it was easy

to make use

of the minutes

when we were running

out of time.

greenline

2010-11-27T02:42:00.002-05:00

I want to tear you to pieces, KM. Deliciously, secretly, hungrily. The way you move makes me sweat and bite my bottom lip to hide my dirty little smirk. You are something fierce and you make mornings dizzy and exciting. I dare you to lean in on the crowded subway car and say something naughty in my ear.

done like dinner

2010-11-21T00:41:00.002-05:00

Ex-Chef by DeliciousSatisfaction 2010

you did more than just break my heart.

nothing to you

2010-11-19T23:44:00.003-05:00

"well, i'm some stain there on your bed sheet,

you're my diamond in the rough."

~Paolo Nutini

Hurt

2010-11-13T20:53:00.003-05:00

“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.” ~unknown

Tonight, I hate you. I hate you for making me (temporarily) lose faith in people because, out of everyone in my life, I believed in you the most. I ache for the last seven years of my life and you will never read this because you are not man enough to get out of your "bad place" and, at the very least, give me a proper goodbye.

I've been hurt in many different and unique ways; cheated on, lied to, broken up with because I wouldn't swallow come, forced upon sexually, etc. You? You've shredded my heart into unrecognizable scraps when you knew the door was always open for you to be honest. My heart aches and YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

You had so much time to right this wrong.

subway

2010-11-11T23:31:00.002-05:00

on the subway,
your body sitting,
leaning forward with
elbows on knees.
i stand,
pressed between strangers
and you.
my leg brushes against yours
and the sleepy morning commuters
are too tired to notice
your fingers
crawling up my calf,
my knee,
my thigh.
brown eyes look angrily
up at me,
briefly,
as i bite my lip and smile.
i lean closer,
an invitation
for further exploration
for a beautiful stranger.

Stumble to Fall

2010-11-06T19:23:00.002-04:00

Stumble to Fall - Titiyo

((i know i was not the only one))

If Only Your Bed Could Cry

2010-11-06T19:14:00.003-04:00

If Only Your Bed Could Cry - Moto Boy & Titiyo
(Written, arranged, performed, recorded and produced by Oskar Humlebo)

There are so many memories
muted in your pillow
tattooed on your walls
they've seen it all and kept it in

And I know you still believe
the void is in your sleep
painted on your dreams
they've seen it all and kept it in

Aching for release
aching for relief

If only your bed could cry

Fragile Are All Lies

2010-11-02T23:45:00.002-04:00

Blue by Human Drama

Words by the wonderfully talented & deliciously sexy Johnny Indovina

I see confusion in your eyes
A heartless shell exposed
Fragile are all lies

I hear a need in your voice
Twisting turning thoughts
That tie me up in knots

I feel a distance in your touch
Do you fear what you may feel?
The years they do insist

And hesitation in your wish
To find what has been lost
I know you will not look

The blue has fallen from the sky
And it has cast its hue
Over my heart

The blue that once did cover the sky
Controls my every thought
Exposing every lie

Crossing boundaries set in stone
Do we find friend or foe?
A tale that time will tell

I cry you see no tear
I scream you do not hear
This cut will never heal

words i long to hear

2010-10-30T20:26:00.004-04:00

This Forgotten Love - Human Drama

"...the word love cannot love for you."

i long for someone to pull me close

and hold me against their chest,

softly brush the hair from my face

and the tears that sting my cheeks.

i long to hear a calm voice to confirm,

"i know you loved him.

i know this hurts.

i know your heart is breaking.

i know how much you loved him.

your disbelief is normal

and so is your anger,

so is your disappointment

in the loss of a friend.

i know how much you believed in him.

you are not stupid.

you are not a fool.

you loved despite fear

and you loved honestly."

onesided

2010-10-28T23:56:00.000-04:00

you were my light

and, stupidly,

i miss you tonight.

structure

2010-10-24T02:29:00.001-04:00

"Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion." ~ Mirabeau

(( i believed in you ))

Orderly

2010-10-23T14:11:00.003-04:00

I've seen the way you have looked at me before on our morning commute.

You, a stranger with furious brown eyes that eat up the sight of my legs.

I've wondered about you, the way you look at me and other women.

You want to reach out and touch as though you've never seen legs before

during our brief five minutes of transportation together.

You are almost frightening and then you disappear;

running up the stairs with your furious brown eyes focused

on the bus you are trying hard not to miss.

In pain and patience, I waited alone with a book in my lap.

I looked up as you walked by, my head tilted in recognition.

Your eyes obediently fell to my legs and I wondered.

I lingered all day because I had no choice

and I watched you work; walking back and forth,

pushing and pulling, transporting and providing.

All the while, observing me from the corner of your eye.

Your reaction to me; a little less frightening,

a little more intriguing.

On the second day of waiting,

book in lap once again.

I looked up as you walked by.

I broke away from the words I read and

your furious brown eyes looked into mine.

The corner of your mouth curled into a playful smile,

a devilish smile which you teased me with

each time you walked past me throughout the long day.

The way your lips formed smile captivated me.

My cold hands ached to slip beneath the shirt of your uniform.

My steady hips ached to be pulled into you by your strong hands

in some random corner or behind starched cotton curtains.

I don't need to know your name,

just some cliche fantasy,

so the next time we meet on our morning commute,

we could simply share an all-knowing nod

and a little taste of lust on our silent tongues

that once tasted each other behind closed doors.

(In any case,

thank you for the distraction

from the pain of my body

and of my broken heart.)

Scraps

2010-10-18T18:20:00.001-04:00

Once upon a time, there was a man who liked to feed a particular stray cat. Occasionally, he would take the time to scratch the cat behind her ear and feed her saucers of milk and scraps of meat. The cat grew accustomed to this; trusting, stretching her neck to receive pats on the head and eagerly eating up these thrown scraps of meat and affection. She began to trust the man and returned to his door to wait patiently for just a little more and to give back to the man her honest love and friendship. This stray cat was always waiting, always reliable, and always there for the man who fed her. But the funny thing about the man who liked to feed this particular stray cat was that, even though he genuinely liked the cat, he only fed her at his convenience : when he needed a friend, when he felt lonely, when his world was seemingly against him. When all was well in his world or when things were ultimately terrible, he disappeared while the cat waited patiently at his door for a little of his food and a little of his affection tossed her way. However, the cat did not just want something from him. The cat wanted to give him so much more and she did - love, tenderness, friendship, honesty. And all she ever received were, ultimately and unfortunately, lies and scraps thrown her way that were given at his own convenience. Little did the stray cat know, he was feeding many other cats while cooing in her ear that she was the only one.

Kitten has grown tired of scraps of affection and saucers of sour milk. Give her some honesty.

you had time

2010-10-15T22:54:00.003-04:00

"You are a china shop and I am a bull.

You are really good food and I am full.
I guess everything is timing.
I guess everything's been said
so I am coming home with an empty head...
...said you needed time
and you had time."

fifty question meme

2010-10-10T11:39:00.003-04:00

It's Sunday morning. I have a cup of dark roast coffee by myself and a sleepy look in my eyes. Here's another meme from Sunday Stealing to wake myself up.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

"Oh God, I have a chunk of mascara stuck to my eye" and then random groans.

2. How much cash do you have on you?

$3.25

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?

WHORE

4. Favorite planet?

This one.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

No mobile.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

No phone, no ringtone.

7. What shirt are you wearing?

A beat-up hoodie. I'm very cold and just woke up.

8. Do you label yourself?

I try not to. If I do, it is to beat myself up to.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?

Furry black beat-up slipper by Tender Tootsies. Jesus, I'm not painting a very attractive picture of myself this morning.

10. Bright or Dark Room?

Both serve their own purposes.

11. Did you do anything to celebrate John Lennon's 70th yesterday?

I was O.V Wright's birthday. So, I listened to his music.

12. What does your watch look like?

All of my watches are currently dead. They look like they don't work.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

I was working.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

No phone.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?

Too far.

16. What’s a word that you say a lot?

"I'm tired"

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?

It's been a while.

18. Last furry thing you touched?

My dog.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

Nothing illegal.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?

Rolls of film?

21. Favorite age you have been so far?

27.

22. Your worst enemy?

Myself.

23. What is your current desktop picture (extra points if you post it.)?

My dog in the sun, looking like a healthy dog food model.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

I said "woof" to my dog. And now I appear "crazy".

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

Well, flying would be cool but it doesn't exactly put food on my table. So, a million dollars it is!

sandalwood

2010-10-05T23:28:00.002-04:00

i want to smell your chest and run my fingers along your chest hair. growl. mmm.

birth

2010-10-04T22:27:00.003-04:00

Our last evening in town.

Sadly, we sat at the coffee shop on Graham Avenue. The windows were January frosty. You drank raspberry tea and I had a dark roast coffee. We were so tragically silence. I didn't want to cry in public but tears welled up in my eyes anyway. I looked away from you to glance out the window at passing strangers, to avoid your eyes. Your face was incredibly sad but you were trying to stay strong for me, saying clumsy but encouraging words very quietly. I hate this, I muttered, I don’t want to say goodbye. This was exactly what we knew would happen. There will come a time for us to part. You had a tiny square of notepaper and you took out your pencil. You furiously scribbled on this piece of paper and folded into a neat square. Don’t open it until after we leave, you said. I slipped it into my pocket and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. It was time to take that cold walk again to the bus station.

This time, I was the one leaving as my bus was to depart a half hour before yours that would take you out to the warmth of the west. We stood in front of the door of my bus. We held each other and cried. We looked at each other, our faces broken and frozen. My bottom lip quivered and you looked mournfully at me. We said "bye for now" and you promised that you would be back in town to see me again. We kissed. We confessed our love for one another. You stood solemnly in the parking lot of the bus depot as I sat on the bus, tears in my sad brown eyes, and you watched me ride away.

The bus turned at the corner of the street. It was night but the bus was lit by the lights of downtown. I felt hollow and lonely for you already. I wondered what you were doing, if you were sitting quietly or walking to ease your saddened mind. I wiped my tears away and stared out the window. The few others on the bus looked at me curiously as they witnessed our parting. I was shivery and cold, leaning my head against the window. I remembered that I had that square of paper in my coat pocket. I reached for it, unfolding it carefully. In pencil, written over and over and over again – “I love you, I love you, I love you” fifty times. I smiled and frowned at the same time. My heart was full of love, full of pain. I was so grateful that we finally got to spend time together and I missed you terribly already. I read your note over and over again until the bus left the bright city limits and drove into the darkness of the prairies at night.

Once in a while, I will go through my things, my letters from you, and I will find that little piece of folded paper. I unfold it to read your words and I smile fondly. I loved you too, I loved you too.

Happy birthday, wherever you are. Though I no longer love you in that fierce way that I do love, you will always be cherished and I will always be grateful for all those lessons we learned together, my friend. I hope the moon still makes you smile and you find adventure in all that you do.

time travel meme

2010-10-03T11:28:00.003-04:00

Sunday morning coffee and the Time Traveler meme, thanks to Sunday Stealing. I'm going back roughly 10 years ago. It was 1999-2000 and I was 22-23 years of age.

1. Would your younger self (YYS, from here) recognize you when you first meet?

The hair is different, the skin is clearer but I can still fit into *some* clothes from back then ... so yes, my younger self would recognize me now. Or, maybe my younger self would be amazed at how damn tired I look.

2. Would YYS be surprised to discover what you are doing job wise?

My younger self would be surprised to know current me is working so far from home. To be honest, ten years ago I briefly worked at the same company (different city, different job position) that I am working at now. I think younger me would be surprised to know that I work in such solitude.

3. What piece of fashion advice would you give YYS?

Don't wear a short plaid skirt and knee high socks on first dates. It will only get you in trouble. Sweet, sweet trouble.

4. What do you think YYS is most going to want to know?

I think the younger me would like to know if it gets easier to meet people who I truly click with, especially romantically and sexually.

5. How would you answer YYS's question?

I would say that it would become easier to meet people but it will take some taste testing to discover who/what is sexually compatible with me. I would tell her now that the loneliness she feels is okay and will follow her forever - learn the tools to deal with it.

6. What would probably be the best thing to tell YYS?

Oh, there's so much I could tell her. Don't sleep with B unless you just want a good fuck - don't do it because you still love him (current me could have so much fun with him from what I know now!) Wear protection. Work on yourself and your hurts before getting involved with someone else, deprogram. Believe in yourself more - you can to whatever you want in life. Don't be so scared.

7. What is something that you probably wouldn't tell YYS?

Maybe I'd leave out some heartbreak. She'll discover that soon enough.

8. What do you think will most surprise YYS about you?

That I committed to a long term relationship.

9. What do you think will least surprise YYS?

That I am in love and lust with someone else. Oh, drama - you are truly ageless!

10. At this point in your life, would YYS like to run into "you" from the future?

Really? Younger self was 22 and single, could handle her alcohol, and didn't feel like hell when she stayed up all night. Younger self could dance in 4 inch heels - while drinking! - and last all night. I think current me is a little too mellow for her! ;) However, younger self had much more disposable income ... current me would like some of that!

love holiday

2010-10-03T01:05:00.004-04:00

when i was a child, there was never any doubt that my parents loved me.

i knew they loved me even though they seemed incapable of telling me.

i never heard them say,

l____ - you are loved and i love you.

it would have been nice to hear.

when i was twenty-two, a man told me that he was in love with me.

he was the first man to declare his love for me.

he was my first lover.

the moment was beautiful and i felt truly loved.

one week later, i discovered it was said only out of guilt.

he fucked multiple people at an orgy the night before he said he loved me.

that wasn't the look of fear in his eyes, the fear of falling.

it was simply grasping at straws and hanging on to nothing.

he robbed me of that moment.

the concept is simple.

if you love someone, you tell them.

if you don't ....

well, a lot can be said from silence.

infinity

2010-10-02T01:59:00.001-04:00

"...hanging so high for your return

but the stillness is a burn...

fascination

2010-09-28T22:34:00.002-04:00

photo of The Tallest Man on Earth by Tunniy

a man with rolled up shirt sleeves is sexy.

challenge

2010-09-27T22:13:00.003-04:00

you told me that

every time we made love

you felt like you were

going to go to hell

for having sex before marriage.

so i fed you red wine

naked in a blizzard

and fucked you in a hot tub,

snowflakes furiously stinging our flesh.

your discomfort was appealing.

the more furrowed your brow became -

the more i grinded on top of you,

the louder my moans became.

in a low, seductive voice

i murmured in your ear,

have you ever considered

that the reason you feel so bad

is because i make you feel so good?

your head tilted in consideration

and i fucked you harder,

water splashing around us,

snow melting on our swollen smiles

between hard kisses.

i'm only a man, you said,

and i am weak to you,

i'm so weak for you.

(p.s. jesus won)

everyday is like sunday

2010-09-26T11:57:00.002-04:00

Sunday morning coffee, Sunday morning meme. A little something to wake me up, thanks to Sunday Stealing. This number is called the "You've Been Tagged" meme.

1. Where are you from?

A town in the heart of the prairies in Canada.

2. If you could live any place in the world, where would you live?

I don't think I would like to live somewhere permanently. I'd like to live back home again. However, I would like to have little escapes here and there - a funky little apartment above a shop in the French Quarter of New Orleans, a cabin in the middle of nowhere by warm waters with stars above me, somewhere where I can grow a little garden. I miss fresh carrots.

3. What's your favorite blog? I'll check them out of course!

Not too original but I love Post Secret. I adore letter writing, postcards, and secrets. My mailbox aches for some...

4. What is your biggest blogging pet peeve?

Personally, I can never seem to make my blogs look "professional". I suppose I would have to design my own templates but I simply don't have the patience.

5. What's your favorite TV show this season?

For naked, sexy males - Trueblood. For a story that makes me want more - Breaking Bad. Shh, I may or may not have a crush on Bryan Cranston.

6. What's your favorite 'down' time {nothing computer related}?

Sitting back, closing my eyes, and listening to music.

7. Are you a parent? If so, what's your favorite thing to do with your children?

My dog and I like to run around the park, playing fetch with tennis balls in summer and snowballs in winter.

8. What about your blog, have you considered changing?

The layout, the design (as well as my other not-so-secret blogs). I wish more people would comment but I can't change that. I would like it to be more dirty and less tender but I write how I feel. Not every post can be about giving blowjobs and office fetishes. Heh.

9. What do you do for a living (if you work outside the home or if you work at home)?

In my secret blog life, I cannot say. Let's just say I sadly work in an entry level office position where there is no eye candy. When I am not working in my "cube", I am having the most delicious fantasies about being there that has nothing to do with what I actually do (or should be doing) in the office.

10. What is your favorite song at the moment? What is your favorite song ever?

My two favorite songs at the moment are The Gardener by The Tallest Man On Earth and Heart Skipped A Beat by The Xx. My favorite song that I have loved ever since I was a child is All I Have To Do (is dream) by The Everly Brothers.

11. What is your favorite niche TV channel to watch?

I don't have cable. I have the choice of CBC and CTV. Oh, and lots of fuzz.

12. If you could have any career, what would it be and why?

I'd like to do something where I can help abused animals. Why? Because I like animals better than people? I'd actually love to make my own cosmetics as well but you need the money to get into it, even just experimenting with it. I have made my own lipstick. It was a disaster without the proper tools. Still, fun.

13. What is your favorite outfit?

I'm so boring. Black pencil skirt, black Mary Janes, black tank top, and a tight fitting cardigan. I'd like some knee high boots to shake things up a bit.

14. If you could tell your teenage self something, what would you say?

I would say "stop complaining, at least you don't have to pay bills". I think my mother said that back then. Ack! Actually, I would probably tell myself back then ... good on you for being a virgin and believing in your sexuality, what you thought was the right thing to do was indeed right even when people laughed at you and males pressured you with threats, suicide notes, and mental abuse.

15. What is your favorite recipe?

I'm not kitchen savvy but I do enjoy my pizza dough recipe, my bread/pita bread recipes, and my hummus.

16. What is the funniest joke you've ever heard?

It's not so much a particular jokes. I have a very funny friend who will comment on life, little passing comments that don't actually mean much to others but said to make me laugh. I laugh at the time it is said. However, the best part is is that those comments will casually pass through my mind when I least expect it and I will laugh out loud. It makes me look insane if I am in public. Those are the best kind of jokes.

17. What is your favorite vacation spot and why?

If I could ever afford "vacation" again? Sigh. I would love to go back to New Orleans. I don't know what it is like post-Katrina but I would love to go back. It is a treasure.

18. What are you most excited about with fall here?t

The beginning of seasonal depression! Ha, not really. Pretty cardigans and crunchy leaves.

19. Did you envision yourself to be where you are today ten years ago? If not, what did you envision?

I would have never thought I'd be here, that's for sure. I don't think in terms like that so I can't tell you where I would have been. Probably on the west coast and not here.

20. If money were no object, what would your dream house look like?

I'm not the kind of gal that dreams of houses and weddings. Sure, I would like both but I also know there's a very big possibility that I will never own a house and be married. The only thing I would want from a house is a big bathroom. I want a big bathtub, room for two (room for fun, I say). Somewhere I can chill out, sit down and put on my make-up, and not feel cramped for space. I'm not into decorating or the such but I appreciate good faucet fixtures, stainless steel, the color red, and dark woods (sounds like a fucked up online dating ad). Oh, and I'd like a library with a sepia colored globe and a fine chair. Is that asking for much? I don't think so.

21. What is your all-time favorite Disney movie?

None of them but I like the female villains. They always fascinated me and had evil-looking arched eyebrows and dark hair.

22. What blog do you think isn't getting enough notice?

This one.

once, the tallest man in my eyes

2010-09-26T01:37:00.003-04:00

"Yellow is the color of friendship, the color of contentment. You sent me my first poem. You wrote it for me. It was sweet and innocent. It provoked a warm sigh from my parted, painted lips. I longed for your words. From afar, they danced across my always questioning mind, lingering upon my wanton tongue. You said you would stand, you would wait for me until you are carried with the wind, scattered over the lonely earth. Every rock would watch me. Every tree would love me. And every time I fell asleep; a thousand kisses, a thousand whispers, a thousand little breaths would be upon my aching skin. You stand beside someone else now and so do I. I must confess, sometimes, late at night I listen very closely and I am convinced that I can still hear your whispers."

forgotten songs that make me cry

2010-09-25T22:57:00.003-04:00

Out To Get You by James

"...so alone tonight,

i miss you than i will let you know.

miss the outline of your back,

miss you breathing down my neck...

...looked in the mirror,

i don't know who i am anymore.

the face is familiar but the eyes,

the eyes, they give it all away....

...insecure, what you gonna do?

feels so small they could step on you.

called you up, answering machine

when the human touch is what i need...is you"

How Can I Tell You by Cat Stevens

"...wherever i am, girl,

i'm always walking with you,

i'm always walking with you

but i look and you're not there.

whoever i'm with

i'm always, always talking to you,

i'm always talking to you

and i'm sad that you can't hear,

sad that you can't hear..."

monday, monday

2010-09-23T21:42:00.002-04:00

you've had your hands on this skirt before,

not so long ago,

i softly said to myself.

a sleepy smile on my face

as my own hands smoothed the fabric;

adjusting, straightening

over smooth bare legs.

your calloused hands,

fondly remembered,

in my hair

and running down my back,

clinging to my hips

and hungrily pulling my body

closer to yours.

lips on lips,

i ached for you carefully

in hotel rooms and crowded elevators,

in passing glances and in that certain smile.

kiss me again,

my love, my lover, my beautiful friend -

you taste so very delicious.

come with me again,

my legs wrapped around you

and you deep inside me,

our eyes locked on each other.

cover me with the weight of your body

and one thousand kisses.

never let me go.

another saturday night

2010-09-23T21:27:00.002-04:00

will you always be my friend,

you asked,

as we walked along a city street.

i hesitated and said yes,

we will,

as my eyes focused on the pavement.

i swallowed the lump in my throat

like i so often do.

we were once on the same page,

i thought to myself,

and that brief moment feels strange,

alien, foreign.

there was a reason why

i avoided you for all these years

and this is it -

walking away, always leaving you

in various degrees of heartache,

telling you that i love you

to silence and empty brown eyes,

fighting with myself,

and refusing to wait

but always waiting -

waiting waiting waiting

for you,

walking away from you,

crying when no one is looking

and smiling secretly at the thought of you.

i stand alone on this page,

for the moment.

birthday

2010-09-21T22:49:00.002-04:00

"No one says naked like Leonard Cohen."

~ Tom Robbins

Happy birthday, dear Leonard.

can you teach me how to feel?

2010-09-20T22:16:00.002-04:00

"...it's okay to say you have a weak spot,

you don't always have to be on top.

Better to be hated than love-love-loved

for what you're not.

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable,

you are not a robot.

You're lovable, so lovable

but you're just troubled..."

~Marina & the Diamonds.

(ps, i believe i have a crush on her. mm.)

the threesome meme

2010-09-19T11:51:00.003-04:00

Sunday morning coffee and a meme from Sunday Stealing. Perhaps, this doesn't suit my blog but it is my Sunday morning and I'll do as I please!

1. At what time of your life were you happiest and why?

I've always been a mixture of happy and sad so it is difficult to say. I'm going to say about nine years ago. I met some very interesting people and found myself in very interesting situations that made me feel, breathe deeper, think, and love fiercely. I feel like my senses were on the ball. I saw clearer, heard every little noise, cried over beauty, and wrote like mad.

2. Where and when did you meet the love of your life?

Love of my life? To be safe, I'll say I met the love of my life when he was abused and thrown out of a moving car in front of a friend of a friend's house. This friend introduced him to me. He is the best dog in the world, the love of my life.

3. Favourite item of clothing ever or most treasured possession?
I don't really have one particular favorite. I like my silver ring with the saying on it, pencil skirts, black brogue-style Mary Janes, and that certain stack of love letters.

4. Must-have makeup or beauty item?

I'm a girl who loves make-up. I can't just have *one* item, for crying out loud. Essentials? MAC Russian Red lipstick, black liquid liner, MAC Carbon shadow and angled brush for application.

5. What do you think is your worst vice or fault .. honestly?

I am physically self destructive. I bite my nails and I have a mild-ish case of dermotillomania. I need to learn how to love myself.

6. Would you tell your friend, if you knew her husband/wife was cheating on her/him?

It would depend on the situation. I can't honestly give you an answer on that one. I can say that a friend told me my ex cheated on me as her partner at the time watched him fucking two girls at a party ... I am glad she did but the entire thing was awkward. I only wished she didn't tell me in public. Tears everywhere!

7. What ambitions, wishes or desires, for your life, do you still hold close to your heart?

I want to be happy. I want to find where home is. I want romance and I want to feel loved, passionately loved. I want to deal with my loneliness and I want to be surrounded by friends when I feel like it . I want to learn how to play piano. I want to laugh, have my own library, and a hairless cat. Et cetera.

8. Where do you see yourself five years from now?

You know what, here's a piece of honesty for you. I fucking hate questions like this.

9. If you had the choice of any talent with the penalty that you would lose a talent in exchange, what would you want to gain, and what would you be willing to loose?

I'd love to sing beautifully. I'd give up my amazing soup making skillz.

10. Name three things that you do want completed in your life before retiring?

Go to New Orleans again with F, learn how to play piano, and fix myself before it is too late.

11. Of all of the people out there who would have been your fantasy date? Date, not romance...

What do you mean, date not romance? Date as in "for one night"?! Or date, hang out casually for coffee (which often can lead to "for one night")? Ok, let's say it's date for one night. If I could turn back time, it would be young Leonard Cohen. We could go to a cafe and he could read the menu in that voice and then we'll confusingly make love all night love until he is inspired to write a tragic poem for me. AHHH!

12. Google put another spell on you, you have just changed genders for 48 hours... what are you going to do with your 2 days?

Grow a handlebar mustache and have sex with women. Duh.

13. If you owned your own island, and got to make it your own country, what would you call it? And why?

Meh.

14. If you rubbed the lamp and got 3 wishes, what would they be?

Simply, I would wish to know what the hell to do with all this turmoil in my heart and head - an answer of what the right thing to do would be. As for the other two, a good chunk of money and health.

15. What is your earliest memory of puberty?

Hmm, breaking out in cystic acne and being bullied because of it? Oh, what fun!

16. If you got banished to your Island alone and could only bring 5 things, what would they be?

A vibrator with an endless supply of batteries, a communication device, some sort of manual on how to survive on an island, some sort of tool to help me out (the vibrator can't chop down trees for shelter, can it?), and music.

Xx

2010-09-19T02:09:00.000-04:00

Heart Skipped A Beat

mid-september letter

2010-09-18T00:55:00.006-04:00

My love,

I wish I could mumble these words between pillows and blankets, kisses and your flesh.

Last night, my dreams were infested with many images. A girl and a boy, friendship lost, and someone who lied to me all along. The girl sang sweetly, I could hear her in the background. I hid my tears from the world. In bed, I tossed and turned. My arms and legs flailed. I woke up

with bruises on my arms from either hitting something or someone, maybe from pressing my fingertips deeply into my flesh. I must say, the bruise on my forearm is rather impressive and it intrigues me. I run my finger over the violet bump. You were in that dream.

Maybe I walk a little taller when I see you, maybe I smile a little more than usual. After every visit, very far and few between - if you ask me, women always remark that I am glowing and men flirt with me, smile, say pretty things. It is an interesting feeling. Warmth. I believe people see my warmth. I'm sure it has something to do with chemicals and science and pheromones but I prefer to give credit to you.

Sometimes I think I am all alone in this. I wonder how many lonely people think the exact same thing; deep within their ribcage hide secrets and wishes, regret and isolation, love that might not ever blossom. It is surprising when you discover that you are not the only one. It is surprising when it is someone so very close to you. Sit back and laugh at this beautiful mess we got ourselves in; one more thing we share in common other than blood. The downside, my love, is that I act as though I am unaffected. I am capable of giving support, a listening ear if need be, but I do not know the answers. I wish I did and I wish I could always say the right thing.

I am tired. I wish I could stretch out against you, my nose against your neck to breathe you in. There are so many things I wonder about you but when I look into your beautiful eyes, I forget all those questions. Do you still consider me one of your best lovers? When I cross your mind, do you still get that certain charming rush to your stomach? Have I tarnished you with my sadness and drama? Do you like keeping me at an arm's length, close enough to affect me but safe enough to protect your heart? Why do you say you are bad at relationships?

Oh, love ... my lover ... my friend, no matter where life takes us you will always have my heart. Do not let those words suffocate you, corner you, clip your wings. I am not sad tonight. When all the sadness and all the heavy words are pushed away and I am walking beside you, all there is ... is a girl who simply wants to make you smile and laugh. Simply.

I will fall asleep thinking of your lips so soft against my neck, the quiet sound of you breathing me in, and that different smile of yours only seen after deep kisses and during that night we were together. I have dreamed of that smile before we kissed, before you were inside of me. I remember waking up in tears after that dream because I thought you would never smile at me like that. When you finally did, as our body moved together so perfectly, a sense of calm washed over me. That intimate, genuine, appreciative, tender smile stays with me.

And this is the part where my words turn into a mumble and I probably drool on your naked shoulder.

Goodnight, and love.

smile

2010-09-16T23:32:00.003-04:00

your hand on my jaw,

lifted my chin

to expose my neck

to your lips.

soft kisses and dizziness.

my eyes half shut,

i thought,

i am not used to such gentleness.

and i am so weak for you,

my love,

i am so weak for you.

i like kissing you.

i like being kissed by you,

our bodies against each other,

melting, and my heart thunderbeats

not so safe in my chest.

i could kiss you for hours

under blankets or in an empty elevator.

and it makes me feel good

when i make you smile,

when i make you laugh.

i like you too.

Oh, meet me...

2010-09-15T23:15:00.002-04:00

"Kids on the Run"

beautiful words & music

by The Tallest Man on Earth

Oh, meet me when the morning fails on the fields of desire.
Oh, meet me when I lost my part in the choir of dusk
where the promise to lead what is right
as we both know how fields will turn white.
And know I will never speak of days
'cause I know you wont count them.

No, we have never grown a day from the poison we shared.
And we're walking our crooked path home
but will we ever confess what we've done?
Guess we're still kids on the run.

And, no, we will never be a part of the pictures once taken
when we're feeding fire with the flames 'til no memories gone.
And the cold sky will write us a song
but will we ever confess what we've done?
Guess we're still kids on the run

And the reflections in their eyes
sure could paint us as killers.
Oh, I'll be there....

And 'til the terror of our time
could forgive us as lovers.
Oh, lets break some hearts....

And, no, I will never speak of ways

'cause i know you wont try them
but all the weapons raining from the sky will be ours to embrace.
And the cold sky will write us a song
but will we ever confess what we've done?
Guess we're still kids on the run.

The Majorly Personal Meme, part III

2010-09-05T15:40:00.004-04:00

Hey, Sunday Stealing is helping me distract myself with part three of the Majorly Personal Meme! God only knows I need one (and a hug) today.

41. What are your plans for this weekend?

Well, it's half over. For the rest of the weekend, figure out what the hell to do with my life. If that fails, I will repeatedly smash my forehead against the keyboard of my laptop while crying.

42. Do you think someone might be thinking poorly about you? Why might that be?

I sure do! Why, you ask? Well, apparently it's always my fault. Et cetera.

42. What features don't you have that you would like on your cell?

Everything. No cell.

43. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed?

Two. Maybe more depending on how attractive they are. HA!

44. What are you hoping happens by the end of 2010?

Oh, hell. I don't know. I just want to be happy.

45. What was the last video you watched on YouTube?

Mark Lanegan's video, "House a Home". I like to hum it while walking home.

46. Would you ever agree to an open relationship with someone?

I think the concept is interesting and in my mind I'd be able to do it. In reality, no. I think it would bring out the worst in me.

47. Is there something that you could never give up?

Eating, breathing, music, reading. And so on.

48. Would you, (or did you) prefer a small, intimate wedding reception, or a big-scale, over-the-top reception?

Do we have to talk about this? I'd prefer to elope, actually, with no one there except my significant other and myself. As girly as it sounds, I think a winter/snowflake themed wedding would be very pretty.

49. What’s bothering you right now?

Oh, a little too much.

50. Do you hate anyone?

My last ex. Hate him, hate him, hate him.

51. What were you doing at 12 am last night?

Reading, maybe. Talking nonsense to my dog.

52. Was this summer a good one? How warm was it where you live?

I worked all summer. In an office. I guess it was what it was. It was a little too humid for my liking.

52. Is the last person you kissed before your current situation mad at you?

That's a difficult question to answer at this moment.

53. Can a man and woman be friends without having feelings for each other?

I think it's easier for a woman to be friends with a man without feelings.

54. Do you think long distance relationships work? If you’ve had one, tell us about it.

I've been in a few. Some worked, some didn't. Some were a pain in the ass, some were incredibly romantic. In my opinion, there just has to be a solution and a common goal to work towards because long distance relationships can wear one down.

55. Do you know why it’s called “Random Boredom“?

Do you?

56. Do you thing that it’s always the man’s responsibility to initiate sex?

No, it's not but I do think the way women approach it is much different. Or, maybe it's just how I approach it.

57. Have you ever made love while you were in the same room with another couple?

Can one truly "make love" while in the same room as another couple? The answer is no, not in the same room.

58. Tell us the best thing about your current or most recent S/O.

His compassion towards animals.

59. Tell us the worst thing about your current or most recent S/O.

It's all about him. He can do no wrong.

** I apologize if I appear bitter. I'm truly having a rotten day.

food for thought

2010-08-31T20:26:00.006-04:00

"If it's still in your mind, it is worth the risk."

~ Paulo Coelho

Photograph by DeliciousSatisfaction 2009

something to believe

2010-08-29T16:43:00.002-04:00

"...that bad old sun forever shining on, the world keeps turning though my hope is gone. I close my eyes and when the day is done, I hang my head and dream about no one..."

(Note to self: Always trust your gut. Even if it breaks your heart.)

The Majorly Personal Meme, part II

2010-08-29T15:33:00.002-04:00

And here is part two, thanks to Sunday Stealing.

21. If you were to live your life without your best friend, what would change?
There is one friend who lives far away that I consider the person that knows everything about me. If we were to lose contact, my heart would break and so would hers. We would no longer have that fierce connection, amazing support, and that non-judgmental shoulder to cry on.

22. Tell us about a era of your life that you really miss.
There was one autumn that lasted until winter where everything seemed so alive, so important, and so beautiful. I sat in crunchy autumn leaves and wrote love letters. I was mesmerized by the stars above me. I fell in love with the smiles of strangers and the cold winter air in my lungs. It was a lovely time so very long ago.

23. Have you ever been betrayed by someone that came as a complete surprise? Without revealing the person, if yes, tell us about it.

A newer friend at the time. Out of nowhere, he yelled at me that I was "nothing but damaged goods". I asked him to let me out of the car. He sped through red lights in the middle of downtown traffic while I screamed at him to let me out, stop the car. It was frightening. Two years later, he began to send me anonymous letters. That's the short version of the story.

24. Do you ever think that is a good idea to hide your feelings?

It is never a good idea. It is simply not healthy.

25. Tell us about your favorite year when you were a student.

I liked certain moments in high school when I'd skip classes to smoke cigarettes and listen to oldies radio while driving around with D.

25. When was the last time you were in a very good mood? What caused it?

A "very" good mood? I suppose it depends on how you define "very good mood". My definition - a few months ago when I arranged a party for my old friends. It was sheer happiness to see these old faces again. The end of that night was dripping with sweetness but that's another story.

26. Have you ever had a romantic relationship with a sibling of a good friend?

Oh, no.

27. Tell us about the last thing that you did that you truly regret.

Things happen for a reason. I cannot let that hold me back in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes, I regret not going to school out west but that was choice I made and I don't lose sleep over it.

28. When did you laughed today?

I haven't laughed today.

29. Do you trust easily?

Yes, I do. But that's not to say I am not suspicious.

30. What do you care about that you wish more people would?
General kindness and curiosity regarding the people in their lives.

31. Is it easier for you to go without food or go without sleep?

Well, going without food or sleep both equally turn me into a cranky bitch. I guess I can go without sleep longer.

32. What non-alcohol beverage do you enjoy drinking the most?

Coffee.

33. When you walk into a room full of strangers, generally how is your confidence?

Depends on who the strangers are.

34. Does talking about sex with anyone but your lover make you uncomfortable?

It depends on the person. "Anyone" is a fairly broad statement. If you mean, my mother - yes, uncomfortable. If you mean, leery weirdo in a van - yes, very uncomfortable.

35. Do you tend to believe members of the opposite sex mostly behave the same way?

I think there are some traits that definitely remain with the opposite sex. I do not wish to paint every man with the same paintbrush, but there are some behaviors that remain the same. Not all, just some.

36. Did you drink any alcohol this week? If yes, what?

Not a drop.

37. Would you ever consider being a vegetarian?

I was a vegetarian for a very long time and I would like to return to that one day.

38. Do you believe that there’s always room in your heart for someone?

I have always believed in this.

39. Do you believe in the concept of soul mates?

I believe in connection and that we learn something new from everyone that enters our lives.

The Majorly Personal Meme, part I

2010-08-29T15:05:00.006-04:00

I'm taking a break, thanks to Sunday Stealing. I'm going to try & dirty this up for my own amusement.

1. Are you happier now than you were five months ago?

In regards to employment, yes. In other aspects, it remains the same which I am not quite sure if you can label it as "happy".

2. Have you ever slept in the same bed with anyone that you shouldn't have?

I have no regrets.

3. Can you sleep in total darkness?

I can also sleep with the light on. I'm talented that way.

4. Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, the one who got away, what do you say?

I'd like to think that I would sarcastically laugh but, knowing me, I would fall into silence.

5. What do you think about the weather this summer?

The humidity hasn't made me want to tear off my clothes in fits of passion enough. Sigh.

6. How many people do you trust with everything?

A few people.

7. What was the last thing you drank?

A very large cup of coffee.

8. Is there anyone you want to come see you?

There are many people that I would love to have visit me. Soon...

9. Name one thing you love about winter?

Layers and layers of clothing to remove. Kissing in falling snow.

10. Have you ever dated a Goth?

Somewhat.

11. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

The stitches come out.

12. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having?

A monster headache and what is and always has been very clear to me about the people in my life but I always fail to recognize.

13. What's the longest that you have committed to one person and one person only?

Seven years. I'm tired.

14. What’s the first thing you did when you opened your eyes today?

Administered medication.

15. Has anyone ever told you they never want to ever lose you?

Yes, grasping at straws at the end of a relationship.

16. Is there anybody that you wish you could fix your relationship with?

Yes, a friend in Asia who was like a little brother to me. I miss him and recently extended an olive branch. I am not surprised at his silence. I know in my heart that it will always be about him and he'll never see how he hurt me. With that being said, I sincerely wish him well in his life and I'll always remember the fun we had.

17. Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?

Why, yes! I'm pretty!

18. Do you think things will change in the next 3 months? How?

Summer will change to autumn. That I know for certain.

19. Do you believe that you never know what you got until you lose it?

I believe people fail to recognize the simple things in their life they should be grateful for on a daily basis.

20. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

I prefer to talk to the opposite sex. They cluck less.

random scraps

2010-08-26T23:25:00.004-04:00

certain words are more difficult to read.

it's hard to avoid and i try,

i try so very hard not to torture myself

when it is dangling in front of my tired eyes.

i cannot help myself but i know

we're all entitled to our memories.

i keep this in mind.

i once had a lover who would make

the most wonderful breakfasts -

lemon pepper eggs and hash browns.

we would stumble home too,

making out against chain link fences

and drunk on gin and lust.

do you feel that dull pull of jealousy like i do

when you read about moments such as this?

(that is not my intention, love)

if i was a girl who asked for jewels

and freshly cut flowers,

would i receive what i truly desire?

simplicity and affection,

acknowledgement and interest -

someone who can read between the lines.

"come sit beside me", he would say,

pulling me into his strong arms,

"tell me about your day."

i laugh to myself at the thought of this.

what a simple thing to wish for from another.

simple scraps of attention,

a need for reassurance.

i am not a challenge.

i make myself too available.

i have given too much to too many

and my heart is full of holes.

maybe it is true,

what a former friend once said of me,

"you are nothing but damaged goods."

ah, i do know better.

it's usually the scars that make us

who we are.

in case you are curious:

i love you like no one i have ever loved.

you are original.

one of a kind kinda love.

i think you should know that.

Do You Wanna?

2010-08-26T23:03:00.003-04:00

(Do You Wanna) Come Walk With Me?

by Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan

Little girl, have I told you
how you light up my life?
Come and lay down beside me,
come and thrill me tonight.
Do you wanna?

I'm not saying I love you.
I won't say I'll be true.
There's a crimson bird flying
when I go down on you.

I'm so weary and lonesome
and it's cold in the night
when the path to your doorway
is a pathway of light.

Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna come walk with me?
If you do baby say it now
though we'll both wonder anyhow.

Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna?

Little girl, have I told you,
you're my guiding north star
and my love travels with you
wherever you are.

From the mountains to the valley
leave the light on for me,
from Virginia to Alaska
from sea to shining sea.

Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna come walk with me?
If you do baby say it now
though we'll both wonder anyhow.

Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna come walk with me?
Do you wanna?

Dream, Dream, Dream (again)

2010-08-22T02:30:00.004-04:00

All I Have To Do Is Dream - REM

I've always loved this song, ever since I was a child (The Everly Bros version, that is). I'll be honest...I believe it is my all-time favorite song. REM does a lovely version of it which I discovered in a documentary about the music scene in 1980s Athens, Georgia.

sometimes it catches up to you and you need to let it go again

2010-08-13T20:18:00.004-04:00

a set of hands on my throat which i playfully -smartly- worked my way out of.

later, i was told that he was abusive to women which was of no surprise.

i could feel it in those hands.

i could see it in those eyes.

II.

took advantage of me in the middle of a heartbreaking night

and, not to mention, financially.

later, i heard the stories of curfews,

punching a women square in the jaw,

throwing a heavy glass ashtray at another's face.

you are the only person i can say i truly hate.

III.

tonight.

a joke made about tossing women down a flight of stairs like a slinky.

people back home think you are charming, hilarious, one of a kind.

everyone loves you - people feel sorry for you.

when we were what we were, you called my colleague a cunt.

you fucked up something that was very important to me

but i can only feel grateful for getting out of that potential mess.

restraining orders and stalking,

serenading at her bedroom window with a kitchen knife -

oh, i have heard those stories too

and, sadly, they are becoming repetitive.

(no. i don't wish for sympathy or attention.

deep down, i am grateful for getting off easy.

deep down, i am saddened and angry on many different levels.

i am tired of aggression and anger. it drains me.

you have always been calm and gentle around me, kind and playful.

i could always see it in your eyes.

i can feel it in your wonderfully rough hands.

no matter where life takes us, be it closer or further...

I will always love and appreciate you. Always.)

nothing

2010-08-09T00:02:00.004-04:00

Crying in the bath and putting on the act of happiness.

It's funny, sometimes, how much we fake

to put on a good show, to accommodate others.

Affection. Memories.

A lover who listened closely to a girl

who smiled as she casually mentioned her love of

inky black pens to draw on crisp white paper.

The next week, he shyly handed her pens

wrapped in wrinkled brown paper.

No matter how awful he was to her,

that girl will always remember that gesture

and that silly mixed tape he gave her.

Every girl loves a simple surprise

and knowing someone was paying attention.

Wishes for a whispered goodnight in my ear.

Tell me that I am lovely

and everything will be alright.

dizzy

2010-08-08T00:17:00.003-04:00

i'm clawing off my clothes tonight

wishing i could be clawing off yours

my fingers running across your chest

as i straddle you

leaning down to lick your skin

and kiss your lips

feeling you deep inside of me

close my eyes and think of you

close my eyes and think of your brown eyes

watching me, adoring me, enticing me

your eyes have always made me feel something -

sadness, desire, playfulness, connection

i ache for you tonight

and i cannot wait for you to take me on

again.

you make me dizzy for all the right reasons.

"you ain't been sexin' kitten, but now you're screamin'..."

sleepy

2010-08-06T23:15:00.004-04:00

i would like nothing better than to be tangled up in blankets with you tonight. two sleepy lovers. hands in my hair. lips against your skin. breathing each other in. your eyes watching mine. my legs wrapped around yours. you inside of me. you inside of me. you inside of me. hotstickywet moans between parted lips that eventually turn into smiles.

and then, in that space beside you, i would curl up. two sleepy lovers. sleep....

Cappuccino

2010-08-06T22:30:00.003-04:00

This morning, Angelo the coffee shop guy gave me a free cappuccino. It's been years since I have tasted one. He added the perfect amount of cinnamon and the beverage itself had a delicious nutty aftertaste. It was perfect. It may not seem like much to some people but, for me, it is the simple things in life that make a day wonderful.

I nursed the cappuccino at my desk all morning long. The aroma of espresso and cinnamon surrounded me. I closed my tired eyes and deeply inhaled. I purred a quiet "mmm". All of a sudden, I was taken back to a brief moment in my life so many years ago.

Home.

Christmastime.

Winter.

Snowflakes falling around me.

Excitement in the air.

Colorful lights in store windows.

Exchanging grins with strangers.

First kisses.

Wishing for first kisses that never came.

Falling in love.

Trying not to fall in love.

Lipstick stains on coffee mugs.

Second Cup on Graham.

Shared cigarettes.

The smell of coffee and cinnamon

and feeling so good to be alive

as the snowflakes danced around me

and the cold air fogged up my glasses.

Wishing I could hold mitten covered hands,

wishing someone could see how beautiful everything can be.

Confessing everything in my old notebook.

Ink stains on my fingers and a smile on my face.

The years may have dulled me. If I look close enough, I can still see the beauty and feel excitement. In winter, I still feel like falling in love and walking mittened hand in mittenhand while looking at pretty lights and sharing a hot coffee that tastes of cinnamon.

I don't ask for much. Good memories, a good cup of coffee, and maybe ... just maybe ... you'll kiss me on a snowy winter day and hold my mittened hand.

Love Will Tear Us Apart

2010-08-04T21:44:00.002-04:00

Yes, I know there are other Joy Division songs.

By the way, I highly recommend the movie Control. It made me fall deeper in love with Ian Curtis and Joy Division (it also made me cry). It's a beautiful film. Maybe we can watch it sometime.

A Beautiful Morning

2010-08-03T23:31:00.003-04:00

We stood on the platform, waiting for the train to arrive.

We were all strangers and soaked to the bone with hot summer rain.

Our umbrellas quietly dripped raindrops on the orange tiled floor.

I looked around at the faces around me with my tired eyes.

Nobody likes a stormy Tuesday, I thought,

and everyone looks miserable like it's Monday.

Voices.

Seemingly from out of nowhere,

the most beautiful voice echoed throughout the station.

Three people in harmony.

Three people singing a religious chant.

I looked up at the crowd of strangers around me.

All at once,

the strangers turned towards the three people singing.

The three people singing from a far.

All at once,

a sense of tranquility and connection washed over the crowd,

softening their faces and spirits.

A shiver ran across my bare, damp skin.

What a breathtaking, rare moment.

It reminded me that despite all the darkness,

I will always see beauty in the light.

::smile::

2010-08-01T00:57:00.004-04:00

"You are not the ugly stepsister - you are the princess. You are not the extra in the background - you are the lead."

Thank you, my friend.

Return

2010-07-31T12:51:00.001-04:00

Return to Nothing Special - Sivert Hoyem

sailaway

2010-07-31T00:58:00.004-04:00

my little yellow pill

ease my body deep

into wrinkled cotton sheets

soothe the ache

of fucked up nerves

of fucked up heart

sleep will be

dreamless

vacant

black

in that brief moment between

my feet rubbing against

soft red blanket

and

when eyes finally shut

i will forget everything

good

bad

ugly

my favorite moment

Question

2010-07-30T22:02:00.002-04:00

Foolin' by Devendra Banhart.
I can't decide if I am aroused or repulsed.

water

2010-07-29T23:30:00.002-04:00

i hate it when you disappear.

it makes me very sad.

i do not need your reassurance.

i simply like having you around.

i miss you tonight.

more tears for you.

smalltalk

2010-07-26T23:14:00.003-04:00

sometimes when people ask me

"how are you doing today?",

i wish i could say, rather truthfully,

"well, i would feel better if i had a good, long session of oral sex,

accompanied with an explosive orgasm but, otherwise, i'm doing alright.

and how are you today?"

::or::

"well, i'm so horny that it is making me angry.

i feel like being the office slut today,

and i'd like nothing more than to be fucked hard

in the supply room or bathroom to improve my productivity.

and how are you today?"

hire me!

2010-07-25T14:36:00.003-04:00

It's a strange feeling to be caught between darkly depressed and deliciously horny. One would think it would somehow balance a person.

With that being said, all I can think of is giving you the most wonderful blow job and tasting your come in my mouth. This is why you need to re-consider hiring me as your personal secretary. You're too stressed out at work and I have a weakness for office supplies and you.

so nice

2010-07-24T22:40:00.004-04:00

Your Flesh Is So Nice by Jeff Buckley

"I want to tell you a story about a little cutey. She's ass-slappin' pretty and voluptuous fingers. Wanna let her lick me, stick the thick of my pussy. From across the street, she looks good enough to eat me. Kitty! Your flesh is nice, your flesh is nice - let me take a bite. Your flesh is so nice....You're the only one I follow. Let me give you that 'O'."

a handy hint

2010-07-24T19:02:00.003-04:00

next time you masturbate,

say my name until you come.

i just said yours.

mmm, _____ ,

you make me so hot.

The rain and the darkness and counting times

2010-07-24T01:22:00.003-04:00

I walked in the misty rain at midnight.

The water on my skin like sweat from tangled lovers.

I'm tangled up in you, I thought,

as counted the times on my fingers :

Three years since your finger

purposely brushed against my arm.

One year since your lips found

the place behind neck and we fell back on grass.

One month since we were tangled up with each other.

(I ache for you. I am lonely for you. My heart is so heavy and I need to hear your voice because you are not here to use those fingertips to brush away my tears and make me smile. All those stupid nights so many years ago, I cried into the phone and you always listened so patiently. I always felt so safe and calm with you. I spend too many nights alone, my love. I spend too many nights like this. This life is so incredibly tiring, so incredibly dark. I need a little light sometimes. You've always been something so pure and genuine to me, regardless of our lust. Oh, love, what I wouldn't do to sit in beautiful silence with you.)

When I was fifteen, I went through a very frighteningly dark time. The most dark, the most depressed. It scares me to think back on that, how close I was to doing something incredibly foolish and ... well ... permanent. That summer, I found a scratched Alice Cooper record. It skipped but I played it non-stop. But, it was like a friend to me ... it kept me company, it got me smiling, it helped me through. I listen to this song and it's comforting, familiar. Dark and creepy and puts a smile on my face. (Okay, and re-runs of Welcome Back, Kotter helped too ... but that doesn't do much for my mysterious, dark side - ha ha!)

Encore

2010-07-22T23:50:00.002-04:00

I have posted this before. And, quite frankly, I don't care if I am repetitive. I heard this song again tonight, in the middle of a silly movie. I always forget how sad and beautiful this song is.

Yes, I did cry. Thanks for asking.

a letter to you

2010-07-21T22:07:00.003-04:00

My love,

I am a care giver. A secret romantic. A person that people call cold but they do not really know me. My heart is big and my thoughts are a mix of complicated and child-like. I hold the past close to me. I need to know when to let go of certain memories. I need to speak to you tonight but I cannot. I am lonely, I am sad. I have grown used to not having someone be there for me in the way that I need it. It is not your fault. It is simply the way it is.

I have been carrying around a lot of hurt and happiness with me lately. It is filling me up, slowly but surely. It is catching up with me for good and for bad. As I was walking home after work tonight, the sidewalk full of rush hour people in their own respective worlds, I noticed a pigeon. He (or she) was lying on his side, quietly gasping for air, his feathered chest heaving. His little beady eye seemingly looking at me. I stood there as tears welled in my eyes (Lord knows, I love a good cry in public). Words rushed through my head - loneliness, death, helplessness, solitude, and poor honey. I wanted to kneel down and pick him up, stroke his little feathery head and whisper kind words until his breath stopped. But I just stood there, I just walked by. It's a pigeon, a rat with wings - so they say, death - it's a part of nature. I see this dying bird in my mind as I sit here and write, I am finally crying the cry that I have needed to cry for weeks now. As I walked away from that bird, feeling helpless and sad, I couldn't help but think - I don't want this to happen to me. I don't want to feel alone and helpless in a big city, where no one stops to help and no one wonders if you're okay. I don't always want to be the care giver. I want a little tenderness too. As well, I couldn't help but declare to myself - this is who I am.

I thought of you. I always think of you. I wondered what you would think of me, feeling heavy and heartbroken over a dying bird on a sidewalk ... walking home with tears in my eyes. Knowing this matters, I thought. What would you think of me? What would you do? Would you laugh at me and throw logic my way? Or would you simply smile and give me a hug for being stupidly sensitive? Tell me, my love, what would you do?

I know what the others would say, would have said. Logic. Mean spirited laughter, directed at yours truly. The man who bitterly teased me for saying the word "lovely" - a word that reminded me of one of my only pure loves who was always lovely to me. The one who brushed everything off and titled me never good enough. He who attempted to ruin a perfect childhood memory with his fucking logic ... always his fucking logic. I tried not to let him take this memory away from me and he will never know how bloody awful that felt. Maybe one day I will share this memory with you, love. I need to keep it safe and pure with me, just a little while longer. Give, give, give - I am always giving. And you know, it's always never enough.

This is why I keep my romantic side hidden. No one will mar it with logic, no one will scoff at it, no one will ruin it. It is mine and it is lonely. I take comfort in knowing that you know this part of me exists. This is why I keep my daily thoughts to myself, what makes me smile and laugh and feel alive. Believe me, I want to share it out loud because this is who I am ... After a while of keeping all of this inside, I wonder if I am stupid ... wasting my time, wasting my days away with silly things, childish thoughts. I don't know, my love. What I do know is that it plays a part in my struggle with loneliness. I long to hear someone say to me, "what made you smile today?". And if confessed, "I saw a cloud that looked like a dinosaur" or "I saw some tea cups that reminded me of my grandmother who is no longer alive", I hope that someone would not laugh but smile back at me kindly and listen with a genuinely curious ear. I hope that someone would see the value in gratitude and what makes me who I am.

It is late and I miss you, terribly. I wish you could brush my tears away with your fingertips and kiss me softly on the forehead. I don't ask for too much.

Yours,

a girl who always believes in you.

insert title here

2010-07-21T00:12:00.001-04:00

i am so fucked up.

Quote of the Day

2010-07-20T07:14:00.002-04:00

"Don't be someone that searches, finds, and then runs away."

~ Paulo Coelho, via Twitter.

playlist

2010-07-19T22:44:00.001-04:00

Precious Time by Soulsavers

sunday night blues

2010-07-18T20:50:00.005-04:00

Quite Emotional by MADRUGADA

"We're slowly moving by the break of day.

You are now entirely mine again.

Still, I hold you in my arms.

There's not much to talk about anyway."

Tonight is difficult and I feel hollow.

I knew that I would come crashing, sooner or later.

There are nights when I enjoy you as my delicious little secret.

But we're more than that and we both know it.

Tonight, it's hard to pretend that I am not in love with you.

I am in love with you

and I miss you more than you can imagine.

Sometimes I feel like time is precious

and it's slipping by us, not so gracefully anymore.

All I can do is shake my head,

smile that defeated little smile of mine,

and play music loud enough so no one can hear me sniffling away,

crying alone in honor of someone beautiful that I cannot have.

I long to softly cry into your shoulder instead,

listen to you breathe.

But, love, you do not have to say a word.

I know how you feel about me and I am grateful.

Regardless of tonight's tears and loneliness,

I think of you and I am made happy.

It's simply the rest of my life that I question.

Dream, Dream, Dream

2010-07-18T11:51:00.003-04:00

Dream About Me - MOBY

Babe, oh, dream about me.
Lie on the phone to me.

Tell me no truth if it is bad

There's enough in my life to make me so sad.

Just dream about color fills our lives.

Just dream about someone else tonight.

Babe, oh, dream about me.

On the phone, talking quietly.

I wanna be yours.

I want you to be mine.

Against red skies for long time.

So dream about us when we're old

Just dream about how I will let go.

And...

Babe, oh, dream about me.

Lie on the phone to me.

Oh, tell me no truth if it is bad.

There's enough in my life to make me so sad.

Just dream about color fills our lives.

Just dream about someone else tonight.

Just dream about color fills our song.

Just dream about how I will let go.

Treasure

2010-07-17T01:57:00.003-04:00

"I was once lost and searching for my soul just like she. I met my husband but he died and now I am lost and searching for my soul again. We only got to spend fifteen years together. Isn't that a shame? I found Treasure in the streets fifteen years ago and she decided to live in my husband's store. She sleeps only in the window. I keep this place open for her. When she passes away, I'll close the store. Right now, all she needs is to be loved. Just like a woman. All we really need is to feel loved. It's very simple. Even a man needs to feel loved sometimes. I have many philosophies these days."

~ Local antique shopkeeper

catchfire

2010-07-14T23:23:00.003-04:00

i catch myself
catch fire
with thoughts of you
and that night.
my sweet distraction,
i truly should be
paying some attention
but an easy smile
spreads across my face
just as you
spread my legs slowly
and looked into my eyes.
you knelt before me;
to worship me,
to search me,
to taste me.
and tell me, my love,
did you discover
something good
that night
when my fingers
tangled in your brown hair
and your eyelids softly closed
between my pale thighs,
when your curious tongue
moved against
my secret wet flesh
as my back arched
and lips parted,
body quivered and moaned
in your honor.
at last, my love,
at last.

crawl on top of me,
my love,
let's do it all
again.
the taste of me
is still on your lips
when you kiss me
and
i am still hungry for you.

midnight and me

2010-07-14T00:23:00.002-04:00

I dream of your kisses and the taste of you upon my lips.
My body knows you now and I ache for you.

want you now

2010-07-11T03:31:00.003-04:00

The Second You Sleep

2010-07-10T14:58:00.003-04:00

The Second You Sleep by Saybia.

I've always liked this song. It's a little outdated sounding ... a little silly love song ... but I can't help but like it. Sigh.

Dream

2010-07-10T00:59:00.003-04:00

I was in a room, brightly lit with sunshine. Dust particles floated in the light and the sun felt warm on my skin. I couldn't see the person in the room with me but I could feel his body move towards me, very fluidly, until he was against my body and I was pressed into the corner of the room. The desire felt natural and we both were hungry for each other. He wrapped his arms around me as he pressed me against the wall, my body arching towards his. I closed my eyes as he kissed me slowly, deeply. His lips felt familiar and arousing, the feel of his tongue playing with mine, the taste of his saliva. His kiss was almost gold. All the tension lifted from my body as I grew weaker towards him. I brought my hand to his face, his bearded cheek. Softly, my hand slid from his cheek to the back of his neck. My fingers tangled in his hair. The texture of his hair between my fingers felt familiar, too. It was you that I couldn't see. It was you who was passionately kissing me. You, you, you. Beautiful you. A moan slipped past my lips and echoed in the room. How did we get here, you asked me in a daze with your lips still against mine. Mmmm, I don't know, I purred, but I'm not complaining ...

Majesty

2010-07-06T22:26:00.003-04:00

Majesty by Madrugada

"But in my mind,

I could still climb inside your bed

and I could be victorious.

Still the only man to pass through

the glorious arch of your head."

Humid

2010-07-05T23:43:00.002-04:00

Tonight.

I am so wet

at the thought of you

and your eyes

looking into mine

as you fuck me,

as you come inside of me.

Time

2010-07-04T12:43:00.002-04:00

Mmmm.
What a wonderful sigh of relief!

Invitation

2010-06-29T23:17:00.002-04:00

I will be there soon.

No pressure, I claim.

There is never any pressure, my love.

There are only wishes

to find myself standing before you again,

to find myself in your arms

with your breath on my neck.

I'll take five minutes.

I'll take an hour.

You can spend the night with me

under the stars and covered in bug spray,

if you want to.

I'll behave, I promise.

It may not be possible or ideal.

But, love, wouldn't it be nice to simply forget

about our fucked up lives

and just be in silence with one another?

I won't sell you on the idea but,

ah, I can dream.

I have many dreams about you.

We're in various positions

of tangled bodies and bliss,

curious tongues and confusion.

Please.

Don't let my presence frighten you away.

I understand your silence.

---

2010-06-26T02:53:00.005-04:00

i'm irritated tonight.

i feel like i have been picked apart and dissected.

people mean well but sometimes go a little too far.

i only need advice when i ask for it.

i did not ask.

sometimes you just have to let people talk, give their advice.

it makes them feel better.

i never second guess you.

i never second guess my feelings.

for you, they are genuine and as long as you and I know

what we mean to each other -

that's all that truly matters.

Things I See That Make Me Smile #2

2010-06-21T22:59:00.002-04:00

The color green.

Surrounded by green and standing under trees.

A perfect spot to make out with you.